Through a Glass Darkly

Arrogance diminishes wisdom
Arab Proverb

For most of this past year, I met once each few weeks with Dr. Z., a wise retired psychologist who I can only describe as the velvet covered brick. Each time I would leave his office thinking, this guy is so wise and compassionate and witty, so gentle, only to wake up the next morning with my soul covered in bruises.

One of the more frequent exchanges with Dr. Z. would go like this:

Monte: Do you understand what I am saying here?
Dr. Z: No … I have some understandING that I hope will help, but I do not underSTAND.

What Dr. Z was saying is that simply because you have the facts—and you rarely have as many as you think you do—doesn’t necessarily mean you have the truth.

This insight first dawned on me years ago in a Personal Development workshop I was attending. On Day One, as we are getting seated in our chairs, the facilitator walks up to the front of the room, and begins preparing for the day. He takes off his watch and puts it down on the control board for his sound system, he fiddles with the volume, he walks over and picks up a bottle of water, he moves the stool he is going to sit on and so forth. He then says, “There is paper and pen under your chairs. I want you to write down everything I have done since I stepped onto the stage.”

Once we all were finished writing, having filmed the event, he played a video of the 5 or 6 minutes we were seeking to remember, noting every detail, every action. As I remember it, there were 26 specific things. Most of the people only remembered 5 or 6, only a few of us remembered even 20 of those 26 movements. And, not being satisfied that we were sufficiently chagrined, he added this: “Even if you had seen and remembered every movement I made, you had no idea as to my thinking, intent or psychological state, any of which could have cast an entirely different light on what I had been doing.”

“So, if you can’t accurately recall what just happened, how is it that you think all those stories rattling around in your brain about your past are accurate? And what about those stories you are telling yourself about other people, and relationships, even about yourselves?”

We may or may not have some understandING … but we do not underSTAND. And as soon as I think to myself, "I understand," all further understanding is barred.

Interesting: as the training room is most always a reflection of real life, we did have some who professed to know what he was thinking! I kid you not! Most of us have people like this in our worlds: mind-readers that, with God-like perception, know what we are thinking, know with certainty what we are feeling, and know, without a shadow of a doubt, what we have done and will do. People like this should be kept at arms length, as their lack of self-awareness –“I am not God”--and our obvious lack of visibility to them is a sure fire formula for some serious wreckage. Anyway

Have you ever sat around with your siblings, retelling stories from when you all were at home? It most always sounds as if you each came up in a different home with different parents: The same situation—the same “facts”—but entirely different experiences. Why? Because each of you filtered what was happening through your own beliefs, values, emotional states, fears and hopes, which, in turn, led you to have entirely different experiences from each other. And, to confuse matters even more, as our beliefs, values, and such evolve over time, when we look back on The Facts, we actually keep filtering "what happened," and, therefore, keep rewriting history!

The truth is that all of us filter what we see through the grid of our beliefs, values, mindset, worldview, preferences, opinions, present psychological states, predispositions, prejudices, hopes and fears. Whew. So the instant we witness a fact about a person’s actions or words, at that same instant it has already been bagged, tagged and filed away. In other words, it is never simply a fact but an interpretation of a fact.

So, when I say to someone, “I saw what you did,” what I am actually saying is, “I have my interpretation of what you did.”

Imagine the difference this makes in how we judge, evaluate, relate, and communicate with others, once we get that this is what is happening with all of us. For example, over these last years, I have noticed that when I am making an observation or giving advice to someone, the thought is most always prefaced with

It seems to me …
From what I can see …
I wonder if …
I may be missing something here, but it appears that

This is not merely a communication strategy: for me, this is my "reality."

Of course, this is a challenge for people who honestly think that they do not see through a glass darkly: no, they are not creatures of their times, their culture, their disposition, their personal history … they stand outside of history, above time, and see and know as God. They have all the facts that are needed to make a purely objective judgment. You did x, you are y, therefore z. Case closed.

As I think about the differences between having some UnderstandING and to UnderSTAND, before I even begin to venture a thought regarding what I think I just witnessed, what I am experiencing, what I remember, what I am being called on to evaluate, and etc., I am compelled to

Gather as many stories as possible from others (Hey, Even God gave us four stories about the life and teachings of Jesus)

Discover as many facts as possible, remaining aware of the differences between Facts and Truth

Humbly question my/their memories of “exactly” what happened

Hold judgments and evaluations very loosely, because the entire story could be changed with one added fact that I overlooked.

O so I believe …


Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008