Anger Rules

“Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign”
Five Man Electrical Band, 1970

Thinking about anger and my last posting…some random thoughts

Why do we choose to be angry? I believe most of the time it has something to do with our rules: break one of our rules, and we are going to be ticked-off, correct? The question is, Is this an Universal Rule that most sane people all agree is valid: e.g., don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t murder, don’t root for the University of Notre Dame, etc., where I can safely assume all the people in my world know about ... or not? And if not, if I cannot assume everyone knows to do this/don't do that, then ... what?

Then there are agreed upon behavioral rules: rules a man and a woman agree to live by when they marry, rules you agreed to when you went to work, joined that church, choose this school, etc. You freely enter into an agreement regarding these rules within a specific context.

And then there are my unwritten and unspoken rules, many of which are so much a part of my Way of Being that they are unconscious presuppositions. “Yelling is wrong.” “You must always be on time.” “If you love me, you will always do what I ask.” These are where we experience many of our most intense emotional upsets! But how so: if the rules were unwritten and unspoken, exactly how just is my anger?

Did I explain my beliefs and rules to you?

Was I even aware of having such rules, until my upset? (Side bar: great thing about your anger is that it is letting you know about one of your rules.)

Did you agree to abide by these rules? Again, if not, how is it just when I choose to be angry with you?

Early on in my sessions with Dr Z, I twice exploded with some very intense anger. The first time was when he told me I was no longer allowed to speak about a specific topic. One of his rules was that if he pointed out some wild game that he believed was going to eat my lunch and I choose not to heed his advice, seeing that issue as a threat which must be dealt with … no problem: the topic, however, was thereafter off-limits. Period. Unless I came back and said I would pull the trigger or could convince him he was wrong, no more talking about that lion over there. Having agreed to his rules, he very calmly reminded me that my anger was a) not a counter argument; and b) if I wanted to be angry I should be angry with myself for having agreed to the rule! Ouch.

Do you know what fascinates me here? The fact that we so rarely blow gaskets with our best friends. Why is this? It’s just something I have been thinking about but, so far, what I think is this:

I love my friend. We enjoy each other immensely. He/she is important to my happiness in life. The frame within which we relate is pretty much, Live and Let Live. There are no “control” issues and, therefore, there are very few rules, if any.

Now, think about the context of family or religious community or the classroom: husband, wife, and children, minister and fellow believers, teachers and students. YOWZA do we have rules! And what are the rules based on? All too often they are based on Control and the idea of Ownership. I have a right to make you do what I want you to do and there is nothing you can do about it but submit. I “own” you. And if you don’t submit, I will make you pay (threats, yelling, passive-aggressive behavior, etc) until you do so. If you agreed to those rules, you only have three options: behave as agreed upon, renegotiate the rules, or extricate yourself from the relationship.

Of course we don’t state it in such stark and unattractive terms but that’s the truth of it. I have a fundamental rule that says you must make me happy. So as to accomplish this, I have a set of rules that I expect you to obey. You also have rules. They also have rules. To our way of thinking, if everyone will keep our rules, behave as we demand, we will be happy …O, and so will those of you who are wisely keeping our rules! The problem is with those pesky people who don’t keep our rules.

I think a large percentage of us are unhappy because we constantly choose to do what he/she/it tells us to do: not because we WANT to, but because we believe we HAVE to. It’s the unspoken law of relationships learned at home. I have to do what I am told. I have to keep his rules, her rules, their rules, everyone's rules. If I don’t, I will pay with some form of being sent to my room: I won’t get the promotion, I will be treated as a pariah, I will get the silent treatment, they will rain on my parade, she will explode all over me—you know the drill. Punish, punish, punish, control, control, control, until the culprit submits.

But do you really HAVE to? You are now an adult living in a free country. Why not start giving your wants, values and dreams at least as much weight as you do everyone else’s? You. Have. A. Choice.

Rather than thinking in terms or rules/ control/ ownership, why not think in terms of how I can be happy, doing what I want regarding my beliefs, values, desires, and dreams, while doing what I can to contribute toward your happiness? Why not share relevant information with one another as to our beliefs, values, desires and dreams, and then negotiate as to how we will share our lives together? Why not toss the whole idea of ownership and control and behave toward one another as best friends do?

The second eruption of Mount Monte with Dr Z: We were talking about rules, again. Go figure. It was a quiet conversation about the expectations of others, which, in the past, I defined as “Rules for Monte.” The conversation was flowing along until he asked me about my expectations for myself: “Monte’s rules for Monte … the unspoken presuppositions you have for yourself, your life.” As he questions me, these rules begin to surface: Monte’s have to’s. My rules, of course, are logical, noble and most definitely from God’s mouth to my ears. Dr Z points out that my rules/expectations for myself, to his way of thinking, are humanly impossible.

What do I do? I choose to erupt in anger, of course!

What does Dr Z do? He calmly sits there, taking in all the information I am giving him about myself, and then chooses his response.

With a bemused smile, “I think it’s time for you to renegotiate with yourself, considering that your expectations and rules for Monte are closing down immense possibilities for happiness.”

So, what about your rules for her, him, them, yourself? Does everyone know about these rules? Has everyone agreed to these rules? Should these rules be updated and renegotiated? Are these rules based on the premise of ownership and control or love?

Just some thoughts to consider.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008