Responsibility

Able-to-respond

He/she/they/it made me feel sad, angry, guilty, happy, hopeful, at peace.

Actually, I chose to feel this way. If I had no say-so in the matter, then I carry no responsibility, eh? I was simply a victim of my emotions. Riiiiight. No, based on my beliefs, thought-processes and even behavioral preferences, I made a choice to feel as I do. It may have been decided in a millisecond but I did decide. It may be an indirect choice that came as a result of my beliefs, but that too is a choice. The only question is this—was it a wise or a not so wise choice, a healthy or not so healthy choice? And believe me, sometimes sadness, anger or guilt can be the appropriate choice, as is the one where we choose to not remain in any of these three states longer than is necessary.

What if my emotional responses are a neurological storm over which I have no “initial” control? Okay. Even if … I still possess the capability of choosing to respond differently.

The more we can wrap our heads around this reality, the more responsibility we take for our emotional states and subsequent choices of behavior, the more freedom we will have to make other more appropriate choices. And, to my way of thinking anyway, having choices is a Good Thing.

“You made me angry.”
No, you chose to be angry. All I did was give you some information. Maybe my intent was to smack you with a guilt trip or whatever, but, as far you are concerned, it’s all just information. It is your choice what do with it, how to respond to me.

Question: Is the anger and the degree of intensity with which I feel it, appropriate to the circumstances? Is what I am angry with even any of my business? Do I have enough information, so as to have an informed response? If I am a follower of Christ, how might He evaluate my anger … or, for that matter, sadness, guilt, happiness, pleasure or any other responses?

“Well, I’m sorry. I’m just a passionate person who gets angry easily.”

You mean like getting the measles? It just pops up? Okay. Got it. Yet do you wish to embrace an anger that is inappropriate and most definitely won’t get you the happiness you say you do want? Why not say, “Up until now I was choosing to be angry (or sad, or feeling guilty, or or or) and am behaving accordingly. I acknowledge that it is an unwise and unhealthy choice, and I am dealing with it, choosing other more appropriate responses.”

1 I don’t get my way.

2 I choose to be angry (or sad, feel guilty, frustrated, or etc) and yell.

3 The other person then does … what? Backs up, chooses to be angry, resists my assertions. All chance for peace and happiness has been sucked out of the relationship for the time being. And what do I do then?

4 Increasing the intensity of my anger, I yell louder, which is going to get me what? More of No’s 1, 2 and 3!

Yeah. That’s the ticket. Wise choice. Anger really worked, didn’t it? Now everybody is happy!

By the way, one of the ways we can begin to change our unwanted emotional responses is to stop saying things like, I am angry, I am depressed, I am guilty, and begin saying, “I am angering myself,” “I am depressing myself,” or “I am guilt-ing myself.” Stop with the adjectives and nouns and use verbs. In doing this, we will immediately begin thinking in terms of choices available to us, rather than seeing ourselves as victims of someone or something. You may not experience an instant change in your unwanted psychological state (if you are experiencing deep anger or sadness or guilt, etc., it probably will take some time), but you will discover different behaviors and thought processes that are available to you, which, in turn, will lead, however gradually, to more healthy emotional responses.

If this is a bit radical to your way of thinking, I suggest that you simply try on this different way of approaching your emotional states for a week or two, and see what happens. It can’t hurt, and, who knows, it may even help open up other possibilities for you.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008