Decision-Making: Right Mind, Right Questions, Right People

It always baffles me when people make major decisions for their lives while being depressed. Uh, what sort of goals will be set or decisions made in such a state of mind? “I hate myself, my life (sobbing, in fetal position) … I am going to die here if I do not do something else, anything else (retching) … o well, (fondling razor blade) … I will go do this.”

This reminds me of the guy who feared he was being followed by a couple of thugs, so began running up the stairs of the train station. He was terrified of the consequences, should he be caught. As he ran, he kept looking behind himself: are they catching up, how many men are there … and, not looking where he was going, he ran out in front of a speeding car and was killed.

Right Mind
The best decisions, the decisions you can live with for the rest of your life, should be made in the best frame of mind possible.

While you may not be in a situation where you can attain a sense of empowerment—of faith, hope and love—you can at least get to a place where you are neutral. By neutral, I do not mean feeling blah or dead to all feelings, but, rather, a state of calmness.

How do you get yourself into a proper state of mind?

Go for a long walk in the sunlight: twenty-minutes in the sun releases endorphins

Listen to uplifting music, watch an inspiring movie, or a comedy that leaves you belly laughing

Get out of bed, off the couch and walk around, reflecting on all those decisions you have made in your past that, over time, left you quite satisfied. How did you make the decision? What was the process? What was your state of mind? reeeememmmmberrrrr

Think back on those times in your life when all was black, you made some wise decisions, and the light reappeared

Go do something enjoyable: spend time at the beach, take a walk in the park, or maybe sip a glass of wine at the Ritz Carlton

Speaking of Right Mind: Evaluate the matrix through which you run your decisions. How long has it been since it was updated and refined? Have you ever taken the matrix apart to see what all is in there? Most people developed their matrix unconsciously: some values from mom and dad, a belief from the First Grade teacher, an attitude toward life from a song sung by Rolling Stones, a mindset shaped by their breakup with their first true love … all of which are used to “inform” and guide their decisions, usually even more so than their well-thought out theological systems. And because they are clueless as to what all is in their matrix, they are clueless as to The How or The Why of either their success or failures in decision-making.

Right Questions
“What will so-and-so think/feel/do if I decide for x” is usually not a primary concern, as it places far too much emphasis on the opinions, beliefs, values, and feelings of people who do not live in your skin, have beliefs and values that conflict with yours or that will change this time next year. Good thing to remember here: honoring others doesn’t require that you submit to them.

“What can I do to escape this depression/lousy relationship/unwanted job,” is another not-so-wise question, as it focuses your attention on what you don’t want (escape the thugs that are chasing me), rather than upon what you do want. Long-term happiness doesn’t come from running away from what you do not want, but running toward what you want out of life.

Some questions that may help:

If everyone is going to be happy with whatever I do, what are my options? (This is for those who wrestle with the fear of man or with allowing empathy for the feelings of others to dictate their decision, rather than to merely inform the decision-making)

What are some great things about needing to make this decision? “I will increase in wisdom.” “My self-respect will increase.” “For once, I will be taking my own stand.” “I can be more fully congruent, aligning my behavior with my values and beliefs.” “I will be learning how to make difficult decisions.” Any question that opens up more possibilities, helps you to change the frame of your decision from one that says, “This is a no-win decision,” to “Man, this is really presenting me with some great possibilities,” is a good question.

If I believed that I am capable of not only making this decision but also of owning the results of my decision, what would I do?

If I believed I was worthy of success/happiness/ love/respect, what would I choose?

If I took my wants, desires, hopes, values, and dreams seriously, what would I do?

Which options will broaden and deepen me as a person? Which of my options give me the greatest opportunities for growth?

How do I know that I am basing my decision on facts or truth: by what or whose criteria have I concluded that I have all the facts needed? How would I know if I were wrong, if there were other facts or truths?

Am I certain about my conclusions … so certain that I am willing to consider other options? And if I am not willing … what does that tell me about the depth of my certainty?

Understanding that our decisions are based on values we are seeking to attain or maintain (love, freedom, security, integrity, peace, etc.), what is the value you are seeking within the context of this particular decision?

Are there other ways or means by which you could attain the same value?

Is it possible that there are other values more important to you and that by deciding as you are considering, you will be in conflict with those higher and more important values?

Is it possible that your values are outdated, that you are seeking to maintain the values you had as a child, values that will not serve you as an adult, or values that will not serve your present vision and dreams? (Hey, if you want more adventure in your life, and your highest value is security … you are going to have some problems!)

Chunking up to your larger vision for life, how will what you decide here help or hinder the attainment of your vision, what you want most out of life? In other words, consider this decision within the larger framework of your life’s goals, aspirations, vision.

One place where you may potentially get better and, heretofore, unasked questions, is talking to the

Right People
People from different (macro and micro) cultures, because we all too often confuse ethics (what is right and wrong) with cultural preferences, and because such people have an entirely different take on life, love, work, success and happiness than we do

People with no stake in our decision, and thus having no agenda (Friends often enter into unspoken conspiracies where we refrain from saying what would upset their world, if they will do the same for us. Friends “know best” what will make us happy, by which they mean, what will make them happy. We choose our friends because in many ways they are a lot like us … which means that potentially they have the same blind spots, hang-ups, and proclivities we do and, therefore, won’t ask the most challenging questions)

People that have made such decisions in similar situations in the past and long after having made their decision are content with the results. Then go to someone who made the opposite decision and are also satisfied with the results

People whose lives are going to be directly affected by our decisions

My dad taught me that, before I come to conclusions about certain beliefs and such, I should go read or talk to those people who take an entirely different position, and know what they are talking about. He constantly was telling me to go find the experts, the authorities on the matter and listen to them. “If you can’t answer their most challenging questions and assertions, if you have as yet no argument that legitimately answers or counters theirs, you are probably not ready to come to a conclusion.” This goes for decision-making in general.

Don’t stick with The Herd, shying away from speaking with anyone whom you know is going to give you a run for your money in taking a contrary position to the one you are considering: actually, this is exactly who you want to talk to. Do you want to avoid buyer’s remorse? Do you want to increase the level of confidence you have regarding your final decision? Then go talk with those people whom, when you think about speaking with them regarding this decision, you hear yourself saying, “No way am I going to talk with him/her/them about this!”

Of course, at some point you need to actually make a decision. While there is far more to wise decision-making than most of us realize, we can also hide from decisions by choosing to be “stuck” in the process, sometime euphemistically referred to as “Waiting on God” or “allowing the universe to show me what to do.” Riiiiiiight


Do you want to make the wisest and most well-informed decision possible, decisions that open the greatest amount of possibilities for success and happiness? Or do you just wanna do what you’re gonna do, because you are scared of what might happen if you don’t, because you fear what others will think or feel about you, because you prefer the small risk-free world you live in to the larger world that is made possible by rolling the dice on all those suppressed dreams and desires?

Life is too wonderful to squander in fear, guilt, double-mindedness, and indecision. Life is a gift to cherish, something to embrace, not to run from; something to face full on with the respect and honor for the gift it is, not to shy away from until, at the last of your days, you are drowning in the regret of would-have, could-have, should-have.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008