The Temple of Zeus

These aren't the greatest shots: I only had about
fifteen minutes free (have been in meetings for
two days) so ran down the block to snap these.

This is Hadrian's Arch, constructed in 131 AD.
It was part of a wall separating the
old and new cities of Athens. On the side of
the arch facing the Acropolis
the inscription read,

"This is Athens, the former city of Theseus."

On the other side is inscribed,
"This is the city of Hadrian, and not of Theseus."

The Temple of Zeus
Construction began in the 6th century BC
but it was Emperor Hadrian who completed
the project in 129 AD.

I heard one guide tell her group that Hadrian
had a huge statue of Zeus (a.k.a. Jupiter),
King of the gods, made out of ivory and gold …
and then another one, equally as large,
made of himself.

Tells you a lot about Hadrian’s self image, eh?

My guess is that these columns are
between fifty and sixty feet high

A few photos I took while walking to a lunch here
in Plaka, the oldest area of Athens,
where the Temple of Zeus and the
Acropolis are located

Today (Monday) is filled with meetings,
but tomorrow we are all going to tour
the Acropolis. So, hopefully, I will have
plenty of photos to post Tuesday night
or Wednesday morning!

Paul Newman R.I.P

January 26, 1925-September 26, 2008

Artist, Hollywood icon, race car driver, philanthropist ... the bluest eyes God ever gave a man.

As a political liberal, one of the things that set him apart from many in Hollywood who agreed with his politics was that, while he supported and advocated what he believed in, he never castigated and derided those with whom he differed. He was always a gentleman. Always.

One of the last things he did in this life was to turn his fortune over to charity--$120 million.

He was an amazing gift to his family and friends, to all who saw him in movies and theater, and to all the causes he supported so passionately. May God Remember it for His Good.

Greece is the Word

We've come to Firostefani, on the Greek Isle
of Santorini, for some work, some fun,
and to celebrate Colonel Doner's Birthday

My hotel

Stepping out from the door to my
room, and looking left

Looking straight down from my room

The Black Beach

We've decided to take a boat trip
around the entire island

Sandy and Derek Hammond

The way they have combined architecture
with the landscape here is breathtaking

One of the windmills which are a
common sight in Santorini

The Red Beach

The White Beach

Joseph and Nancy Spiccia,
taking it all in

Brainstorming: Joseph, Colonel, Wally and Davide

Time to pack and get ready to depart for Athens!

Accepting One Another

At the heart of personality is the need to feel
a sense of being loveable without the need
to qualify for that acceptance.
Dr Paul Tournier

Accept one another, just as Christ also
accepted us, to the glory of God.
St. Paul

How did Christ accept you? Before your little flawed self showed-up in history, God demonstrated his love by sending Christ to give his life for you, thereby accepting you As Is. (That doesn’t mean he approves of everything, mind you.) He sees every flaw, every weakness, every failure (past/present/future), every eccentricity and weirdness … and accepts and loves you. He has never been surprised by anything you have ever done, good or bad. He has never said to himself, “Wow, if I knew he was going to do that, I wouldn’t have died for him.” “O my, (scratching his beard) I didn’t know she was capable of doing such things! Who knew?”

Most Christians know this intellectually, but do not experience this acceptance as to how Christ is presently relating to them. We can recite biblical passages regarding how it’s all about grace through faith, not works, and we constantly seek to encourage others with such Truth, but we don’t actually get it. No, for us the expectation is High Performance all the way and, if we don’t hit-the-mark? Well, given our very human flaws, weaknesses and such, we are constantly confronted with Failure to Meet Expectations, which translates, No Longer Accepted. And what then do we do? We screw our determination to the sticking place, believing that this time we will not fail. Alas, sooner or later, we miss the mark yet again.

%^*&#* (Expletive deleted)

So, how will our life-experience change, if we truly embrace Christ’s unalterable acceptance?

How would your way of being change—the way in which you are going through this life—if you were convinced that Christ’s love for you was constant and inexorable: that there was nothing you could ever do to cause him to love you more or less than what he demonstrated on the cross?

If, after the manner of Christ, I accept myself for whom and where I presently am in my life’s journey, how will this serve my quest to more fully realize his purpose for my life?

What will be different about how we go about seeking to demonstrate our love for Christ in our attitudes, words and activities, if they each spring from hearts that are secure in his love and acceptance?

I wonder how many followers of Christ live with a deep angst (anxiety and dread) that is created by the discrepancies between our expectations for self, and our actual performances? Now, if some counselor, minister or friend suggests such a thing, suggests that we are suffering from Performance Anxiety because we do not accept who and where we actually are in our journey, we will reject the notion out-of-hand. Why? Could it be some form of latent pride keeping us from rejecting the false-ideal of self that we are creating, rather than accepting our humanity with all of its flaws, weaknesses, failures, eccentricities and weirdness?

And what about our relationships?

What if we actually brought a greater degree of acceptance into how we are relating to people? How then will people experience us? What relational possibilities will open up at home, with our friends, with those with whom we work, with our neighbors? In other words, if we ditch the expectation that others must always hit-the-mark so as to earn our acceptance, and, instead, accept them as Christ does us—As Is—what will the differences be in how we are relating? (By the way, ever think about how Christ views our non-acceptance of those whom he accepts?)

Do you think that people will be more open about their struggles and failures, hopes and dreams, if they actually get that we are accepting them?

Is it possible that there will be far more humility and far less self-righteousness in how we show up for each other? Might there be more good humor and less rancor, more camaraderie and less hostility?

With whom are you most likely to have difficult-conversations: someone whom you see, hear and feel is accepting you, or someone whom you see, hear and feel is looking down on you and condemning you?

One of the greatest joys in life is the experience of being accepted by someone who sees us as we are, in all of our “glory and rubbish.” (Pascal) In fact, without this visibility and acceptance, there is no real friendship, and no authentic fellowship. The good news is that we can experience this joy as we embrace the reality of God’s acceptance of us in and through Christ. Not only that, we can also spread this joy as we go and do likewise, accepting one another as he is accepting us: As Is.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Anger Rules

“Sign Sign everywhere a sign
Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign”
Five Man Electrical Band, 1970

Thinking about anger and my last posting…some random thoughts

Why do we choose to be angry? I believe most of the time it has something to do with our rules: break one of our rules, and we are going to be ticked-off, correct? The question is, Is this an Universal Rule that most sane people all agree is valid: e.g., don’t lie, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t murder, don’t root for the University of Notre Dame, etc., where I can safely assume all the people in my world know about ... or not? And if not, if I cannot assume everyone knows to do this/don't do that, then ... what?

Then there are agreed upon behavioral rules: rules a man and a woman agree to live by when they marry, rules you agreed to when you went to work, joined that church, choose this school, etc. You freely enter into an agreement regarding these rules within a specific context.

And then there are my unwritten and unspoken rules, many of which are so much a part of my Way of Being that they are unconscious presuppositions. “Yelling is wrong.” “You must always be on time.” “If you love me, you will always do what I ask.” These are where we experience many of our most intense emotional upsets! But how so: if the rules were unwritten and unspoken, exactly how just is my anger?

Did I explain my beliefs and rules to you?

Was I even aware of having such rules, until my upset? (Side bar: great thing about your anger is that it is letting you know about one of your rules.)

Did you agree to abide by these rules? Again, if not, how is it just when I choose to be angry with you?

Early on in my sessions with Dr Z, I twice exploded with some very intense anger. The first time was when he told me I was no longer allowed to speak about a specific topic. One of his rules was that if he pointed out some wild game that he believed was going to eat my lunch and I choose not to heed his advice, seeing that issue as a threat which must be dealt with … no problem: the topic, however, was thereafter off-limits. Period. Unless I came back and said I would pull the trigger or could convince him he was wrong, no more talking about that lion over there. Having agreed to his rules, he very calmly reminded me that my anger was a) not a counter argument; and b) if I wanted to be angry I should be angry with myself for having agreed to the rule! Ouch.

Do you know what fascinates me here? The fact that we so rarely blow gaskets with our best friends. Why is this? It’s just something I have been thinking about but, so far, what I think is this:

I love my friend. We enjoy each other immensely. He/she is important to my happiness in life. The frame within which we relate is pretty much, Live and Let Live. There are no “control” issues and, therefore, there are very few rules, if any.

Now, think about the context of family or religious community or the classroom: husband, wife, and children, minister and fellow believers, teachers and students. YOWZA do we have rules! And what are the rules based on? All too often they are based on Control and the idea of Ownership. I have a right to make you do what I want you to do and there is nothing you can do about it but submit. I “own” you. And if you don’t submit, I will make you pay (threats, yelling, passive-aggressive behavior, etc) until you do so. If you agreed to those rules, you only have three options: behave as agreed upon, renegotiate the rules, or extricate yourself from the relationship.

Of course we don’t state it in such stark and unattractive terms but that’s the truth of it. I have a fundamental rule that says you must make me happy. So as to accomplish this, I have a set of rules that I expect you to obey. You also have rules. They also have rules. To our way of thinking, if everyone will keep our rules, behave as we demand, we will be happy …O, and so will those of you who are wisely keeping our rules! The problem is with those pesky people who don’t keep our rules.

I think a large percentage of us are unhappy because we constantly choose to do what he/she/it tells us to do: not because we WANT to, but because we believe we HAVE to. It’s the unspoken law of relationships learned at home. I have to do what I am told. I have to keep his rules, her rules, their rules, everyone's rules. If I don’t, I will pay with some form of being sent to my room: I won’t get the promotion, I will be treated as a pariah, I will get the silent treatment, they will rain on my parade, she will explode all over me—you know the drill. Punish, punish, punish, control, control, control, until the culprit submits.

But do you really HAVE to? You are now an adult living in a free country. Why not start giving your wants, values and dreams at least as much weight as you do everyone else’s? You. Have. A. Choice.

Rather than thinking in terms or rules/ control/ ownership, why not think in terms of how I can be happy, doing what I want regarding my beliefs, values, desires, and dreams, while doing what I can to contribute toward your happiness? Why not share relevant information with one another as to our beliefs, values, desires and dreams, and then negotiate as to how we will share our lives together? Why not toss the whole idea of ownership and control and behave toward one another as best friends do?

The second eruption of Mount Monte with Dr Z: We were talking about rules, again. Go figure. It was a quiet conversation about the expectations of others, which, in the past, I defined as “Rules for Monte.” The conversation was flowing along until he asked me about my expectations for myself: “Monte’s rules for Monte … the unspoken presuppositions you have for yourself, your life.” As he questions me, these rules begin to surface: Monte’s have to’s. My rules, of course, are logical, noble and most definitely from God’s mouth to my ears. Dr Z points out that my rules/expectations for myself, to his way of thinking, are humanly impossible.

What do I do? I choose to erupt in anger, of course!

What does Dr Z do? He calmly sits there, taking in all the information I am giving him about myself, and then chooses his response.

With a bemused smile, “I think it’s time for you to renegotiate with yourself, considering that your expectations and rules for Monte are closing down immense possibilities for happiness.”

So, what about your rules for her, him, them, yourself? Does everyone know about these rules? Has everyone agreed to these rules? Should these rules be updated and renegotiated? Are these rules based on the premise of ownership and control or love?

Just some thoughts to consider.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Rondine Al Nido

Responsibility

Able-to-respond

He/she/they/it made me feel sad, angry, guilty, happy, hopeful, at peace.

Actually, I chose to feel this way. If I had no say-so in the matter, then I carry no responsibility, eh? I was simply a victim of my emotions. Riiiiight. No, based on my beliefs, thought-processes and even behavioral preferences, I made a choice to feel as I do. It may have been decided in a millisecond but I did decide. It may be an indirect choice that came as a result of my beliefs, but that too is a choice. The only question is this—was it a wise or a not so wise choice, a healthy or not so healthy choice? And believe me, sometimes sadness, anger or guilt can be the appropriate choice, as is the one where we choose to not remain in any of these three states longer than is necessary.

What if my emotional responses are a neurological storm over which I have no “initial” control? Okay. Even if … I still possess the capability of choosing to respond differently.

The more we can wrap our heads around this reality, the more responsibility we take for our emotional states and subsequent choices of behavior, the more freedom we will have to make other more appropriate choices. And, to my way of thinking anyway, having choices is a Good Thing.

“You made me angry.”
No, you chose to be angry. All I did was give you some information. Maybe my intent was to smack you with a guilt trip or whatever, but, as far you are concerned, it’s all just information. It is your choice what do with it, how to respond to me.

Question: Is the anger and the degree of intensity with which I feel it, appropriate to the circumstances? Is what I am angry with even any of my business? Do I have enough information, so as to have an informed response? If I am a follower of Christ, how might He evaluate my anger … or, for that matter, sadness, guilt, happiness, pleasure or any other responses?

“Well, I’m sorry. I’m just a passionate person who gets angry easily.”

You mean like getting the measles? It just pops up? Okay. Got it. Yet do you wish to embrace an anger that is inappropriate and most definitely won’t get you the happiness you say you do want? Why not say, “Up until now I was choosing to be angry (or sad, or feeling guilty, or or or) and am behaving accordingly. I acknowledge that it is an unwise and unhealthy choice, and I am dealing with it, choosing other more appropriate responses.”

1 I don’t get my way.

2 I choose to be angry (or sad, feel guilty, frustrated, or etc) and yell.

3 The other person then does … what? Backs up, chooses to be angry, resists my assertions. All chance for peace and happiness has been sucked out of the relationship for the time being. And what do I do then?

4 Increasing the intensity of my anger, I yell louder, which is going to get me what? More of No’s 1, 2 and 3!

Yeah. That’s the ticket. Wise choice. Anger really worked, didn’t it? Now everybody is happy!

By the way, one of the ways we can begin to change our unwanted emotional responses is to stop saying things like, I am angry, I am depressed, I am guilty, and begin saying, “I am angering myself,” “I am depressing myself,” or “I am guilt-ing myself.” Stop with the adjectives and nouns and use verbs. In doing this, we will immediately begin thinking in terms of choices available to us, rather than seeing ourselves as victims of someone or something. You may not experience an instant change in your unwanted psychological state (if you are experiencing deep anger or sadness or guilt, etc., it probably will take some time), but you will discover different behaviors and thought processes that are available to you, which, in turn, will lead, however gradually, to more healthy emotional responses.

If this is a bit radical to your way of thinking, I suggest that you simply try on this different way of approaching your emotional states for a week or two, and see what happens. It can’t hurt, and, who knows, it may even help open up other possibilities for you.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Decision-Making: Right Mind, Right Questions, Right People

It always baffles me when people make major decisions for their lives while being depressed. Uh, what sort of goals will be set or decisions made in such a state of mind? “I hate myself, my life (sobbing, in fetal position) … I am going to die here if I do not do something else, anything else (retching) … o well, (fondling razor blade) … I will go do this.”

This reminds me of the guy who feared he was being followed by a couple of thugs, so began running up the stairs of the train station. He was terrified of the consequences, should he be caught. As he ran, he kept looking behind himself: are they catching up, how many men are there … and, not looking where he was going, he ran out in front of a speeding car and was killed.

Right Mind
The best decisions, the decisions you can live with for the rest of your life, should be made in the best frame of mind possible.

While you may not be in a situation where you can attain a sense of empowerment—of faith, hope and love—you can at least get to a place where you are neutral. By neutral, I do not mean feeling blah or dead to all feelings, but, rather, a state of calmness.

How do you get yourself into a proper state of mind?

Go for a long walk in the sunlight: twenty-minutes in the sun releases endorphins

Listen to uplifting music, watch an inspiring movie, or a comedy that leaves you belly laughing

Get out of bed, off the couch and walk around, reflecting on all those decisions you have made in your past that, over time, left you quite satisfied. How did you make the decision? What was the process? What was your state of mind? reeeememmmmberrrrr

Think back on those times in your life when all was black, you made some wise decisions, and the light reappeared

Go do something enjoyable: spend time at the beach, take a walk in the park, or maybe sip a glass of wine at the Ritz Carlton

Speaking of Right Mind: Evaluate the matrix through which you run your decisions. How long has it been since it was updated and refined? Have you ever taken the matrix apart to see what all is in there? Most people developed their matrix unconsciously: some values from mom and dad, a belief from the First Grade teacher, an attitude toward life from a song sung by Rolling Stones, a mindset shaped by their breakup with their first true love … all of which are used to “inform” and guide their decisions, usually even more so than their well-thought out theological systems. And because they are clueless as to what all is in their matrix, they are clueless as to The How or The Why of either their success or failures in decision-making.

Right Questions
“What will so-and-so think/feel/do if I decide for x” is usually not a primary concern, as it places far too much emphasis on the opinions, beliefs, values, and feelings of people who do not live in your skin, have beliefs and values that conflict with yours or that will change this time next year. Good thing to remember here: honoring others doesn’t require that you submit to them.

“What can I do to escape this depression/lousy relationship/unwanted job,” is another not-so-wise question, as it focuses your attention on what you don’t want (escape the thugs that are chasing me), rather than upon what you do want. Long-term happiness doesn’t come from running away from what you do not want, but running toward what you want out of life.

Some questions that may help:

If everyone is going to be happy with whatever I do, what are my options? (This is for those who wrestle with the fear of man or with allowing empathy for the feelings of others to dictate their decision, rather than to merely inform the decision-making)

What are some great things about needing to make this decision? “I will increase in wisdom.” “My self-respect will increase.” “For once, I will be taking my own stand.” “I can be more fully congruent, aligning my behavior with my values and beliefs.” “I will be learning how to make difficult decisions.” Any question that opens up more possibilities, helps you to change the frame of your decision from one that says, “This is a no-win decision,” to “Man, this is really presenting me with some great possibilities,” is a good question.

If I believed that I am capable of not only making this decision but also of owning the results of my decision, what would I do?

If I believed I was worthy of success/happiness/ love/respect, what would I choose?

If I took my wants, desires, hopes, values, and dreams seriously, what would I do?

Which options will broaden and deepen me as a person? Which of my options give me the greatest opportunities for growth?

How do I know that I am basing my decision on facts or truth: by what or whose criteria have I concluded that I have all the facts needed? How would I know if I were wrong, if there were other facts or truths?

Am I certain about my conclusions … so certain that I am willing to consider other options? And if I am not willing … what does that tell me about the depth of my certainty?

Understanding that our decisions are based on values we are seeking to attain or maintain (love, freedom, security, integrity, peace, etc.), what is the value you are seeking within the context of this particular decision?

Are there other ways or means by which you could attain the same value?

Is it possible that there are other values more important to you and that by deciding as you are considering, you will be in conflict with those higher and more important values?

Is it possible that your values are outdated, that you are seeking to maintain the values you had as a child, values that will not serve you as an adult, or values that will not serve your present vision and dreams? (Hey, if you want more adventure in your life, and your highest value is security … you are going to have some problems!)

Chunking up to your larger vision for life, how will what you decide here help or hinder the attainment of your vision, what you want most out of life? In other words, consider this decision within the larger framework of your life’s goals, aspirations, vision.

One place where you may potentially get better and, heretofore, unasked questions, is talking to the

Right People
People from different (macro and micro) cultures, because we all too often confuse ethics (what is right and wrong) with cultural preferences, and because such people have an entirely different take on life, love, work, success and happiness than we do

People with no stake in our decision, and thus having no agenda (Friends often enter into unspoken conspiracies where we refrain from saying what would upset their world, if they will do the same for us. Friends “know best” what will make us happy, by which they mean, what will make them happy. We choose our friends because in many ways they are a lot like us … which means that potentially they have the same blind spots, hang-ups, and proclivities we do and, therefore, won’t ask the most challenging questions)

People that have made such decisions in similar situations in the past and long after having made their decision are content with the results. Then go to someone who made the opposite decision and are also satisfied with the results

People whose lives are going to be directly affected by our decisions

My dad taught me that, before I come to conclusions about certain beliefs and such, I should go read or talk to those people who take an entirely different position, and know what they are talking about. He constantly was telling me to go find the experts, the authorities on the matter and listen to them. “If you can’t answer their most challenging questions and assertions, if you have as yet no argument that legitimately answers or counters theirs, you are probably not ready to come to a conclusion.” This goes for decision-making in general.

Don’t stick with The Herd, shying away from speaking with anyone whom you know is going to give you a run for your money in taking a contrary position to the one you are considering: actually, this is exactly who you want to talk to. Do you want to avoid buyer’s remorse? Do you want to increase the level of confidence you have regarding your final decision? Then go talk with those people whom, when you think about speaking with them regarding this decision, you hear yourself saying, “No way am I going to talk with him/her/them about this!”

Of course, at some point you need to actually make a decision. While there is far more to wise decision-making than most of us realize, we can also hide from decisions by choosing to be “stuck” in the process, sometime euphemistically referred to as “Waiting on God” or “allowing the universe to show me what to do.” Riiiiiiight


Do you want to make the wisest and most well-informed decision possible, decisions that open the greatest amount of possibilities for success and happiness? Or do you just wanna do what you’re gonna do, because you are scared of what might happen if you don’t, because you fear what others will think or feel about you, because you prefer the small risk-free world you live in to the larger world that is made possible by rolling the dice on all those suppressed dreams and desires?

Life is too wonderful to squander in fear, guilt, double-mindedness, and indecision. Life is a gift to cherish, something to embrace, not to run from; something to face full on with the respect and honor for the gift it is, not to shy away from until, at the last of your days, you are drowning in the regret of would-have, could-have, should-have.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Decision-Making: Taking Resposibility

Recently, while listening to someone explaining to me why they had made a particular decision, I was fascinated not so much by their decision but the reasons they were giving me for having made it. While driving away, I kept remembering the line about never giving people the reasons for your decisions: “Your decisions may be right but your reasons are sure to be wrong.” (Lord Mansfield)

If we make the right decision for the wrong reasons, our failure in reasoning will catch up to us in other decisions.

If we make the right choice for the wrong reason, once we are confronted with our faulty reasoning we will (understandably) begin second-guessing our decision, becoming double-minded.

If we make the right decision for the wrong reasons, we will not only get what we want, but it is highly likely that we will also get what we do not want.

Usually, people do what they want, and then come up with “reasons” for doing so. There were no sound reasons for their decision, simply feelings of desire or hope or fear. What is particularly telling is when their “reasons” morph here and there from one friend to another, then morph again with their families, and still again with their minister or church community, and again with their boss, as they seek to frame what they want to do, what they are going to do no matter what, with a plausible and winning argument for each person.

Be honest, man. “I am doing this because I feel like it”. “I am doing it because it makes me happy.” “I am doing this because I am frightened.“ Whatever. Own your feelings, own your decision. And remember: You don’t always have to justify your wants, desires, fears or hopes. You are an adult living in a free country where you do not have to have your papers-of-explanation ready for the Thought-Gestapo.

At the end of the day, at the end of time, you stand or fall before God for the choices you made, not him/ her/them/it. And God? He wants you to enjoy life, and enjoy the world he gave you to manage. You are free to do what you want, increasing in wisdom as you live your life, and, O yeah, don’t eat the fruit from that tree over there.

On the other hand, life’s most important decisions should be based on more than instinct, gut reaction and personal preference, but will need to include some intelligence and wisdom. These are those decisions with hairy consequences, decisions with a hefty risk-to-reward ratio. There is a difference in deciding which desk to purchase, which job applicant to hire, and whether or not to invest millions of dollars in a particular project; there is a difference between which suit to purchase, which job offer to accept and whom to marry, as each requires a quantum leap in the degree of wisdom (sound reasoning) needed, so as to have the greatest opportunity for long-term success and happiness.

After the creation of a sound matrix from which we make decisions (beliefs, values, code of conduct, vision, etc., all of which need to be periodically updated), I believe one of the first requirements for good decision-making is the willingness and commitment to owning the results of your decisions. If all goes well, you own the rewards. If it all falls apart, you own the mess that came from your decision. You. Nobody. Else. But. You.

One of my passions is coaching: I love serving executives in their quest for ever-increasing success in life. (Of course, one of my first goals is to discover how the individual is defining success.) Something I discovered early on is that one of the major differences between successful executives and those people “stuck” in middle-management jobs, is that the executive is willing to make decisions: especially the difficult ones. He or she is also ready to take responsibility for their decisions, whether it is a reward or a judgment, a win or a loss. Given that most of their decisions have been successful, they were rewarded with upward mobility.

When I was around 14 years old, I was having one of my daily rows with my dad. I was all huffy over the fact that he was treating me like I was 14 years old. What’s up with that? Anyway, I asked dad,

“Okay. When are you going to treat me like a man?”
“When you start behaving like one.”
“What does that mean?”
“When you start making decisions and paying for those decisions … when you are ready to be responsible for your own life, you’ll be a man.”

One of the signs of maturity is the commitment to making decisions, and to owning the costs, consequences and rewards of those decisions.

Thirty and Forty-year old children do not want to be responsible. They want risk free decisions, decisions that never leave a chocolate mess in their hands. If her decision proves to have been foolish, she wants mommy, daddy, priest or US Government to pay for the consequences. If his decision backfires, he wants plausible deniability: “He told me to …” “But you said, so I did …” “I asked for your opinion, you agreed with my decision, so you are just as culpable …” In other words, I do not own the consequences of my decision, but am, at the very least, demanding a shared burden of the fallout.

Stay Tuned for, Decision-Making: Right Mind, Right Questions, Right People

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Elegance

As a boy, movies had a huge influence on my life: especially the one’s starring Bogart, Stewart, Ladd, Mitchum, Grant, the Duke, and McQueen. One of the attributes I admired in the characters these men portrayed was their savoir-faire: each of them had a unique and finely honed masculine serenity, gallantry and elegance about them. In their time, the description would be that they were “polished.”

By elegance, I don’t mean how these guys dressed or held their cigarettes, although this was part of it, especially with Grant, but more of a case where the characters they portrayed knew just the right word, the appropriate posture to take or gesture to make, and how to behave in each context, so as to congruently show up as a man who was honoring the moment with his full and respectful presence.

As I understand elegance, it is never overwrought, never complex, but, rather, is simplicity itself

True elegance strips away the extraneous word and gesture, and demonstrates itself with only what is appropriate and necessary to the demands or needs of the moment

True elegance is all about respecting the event, the occasion, and the people that are being encountered in the moment

True elegance flows from a soul who knows who he is, where he is, and, then, intuits the most efficacious and appropriate manner to behave

True elegance pays attention to gestures, postures, words, and attitudes, because it knows that such things (if authentic) are tied to the soul, and, therefore, paying respectful attention to one (body) cannot be accomplished without giving attention to the other (soul), and vice versa

True elegance is not about snobbery, although some will mistake it as such, but about respect and honor

Think about the Japanese Tea Ceremony, where teas and small sweets are served to guests. The exact gestures and phrases are endlessly rehearsed (practice and repeat, practice and repeat, ad infinitum) so as to give the moment and the guests due regard. It’s a small thing, all things considered, yet in this ceremony, performed with laser-like attention to detail, each phrase and gesture is designed to demonstrate respect for the guests, for self, and for what is transpiring in that moment.

St. Paul said, “Love has … manners.” In loving others, in loving the very moment in which we are living, we give people, things, events, places, and etc., a demonstration of our love, respect, and honor, by how we are behaving in that context.

Love and respect requires that we study so as to perform the appropriate gestures, phrases, attitudes and demeanors for the occasion. No gesture is seen as irrelevant, no phrase is mindlessly spoken, no posture thoughtlessly adopted, for each has been chosen and expressed with due respect and honor for the people, the occasion and for the moment in time we find ourselves.

Or so I believe …

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Pavarotti: Nessun Dorma

The first anniversary of his death



Nobody shall sleep!...
Nobody shall sleep!
Even you, o Princess,
in your cold room,
watch the stars,
that tremble with love and with hope.
But my secret is hidden within me,
my name no one shall know...

No!...No!...
On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines.
And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!...
(No one will know his name and we must, alas, die.)
Vanish, o night!
Set, stars! Set, stars!
At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

Through a Glass Darkly

Arrogance diminishes wisdom
Arab Proverb

For most of this past year, I met once each few weeks with Dr. Z., a wise retired psychologist who I can only describe as the velvet covered brick. Each time I would leave his office thinking, this guy is so wise and compassionate and witty, so gentle, only to wake up the next morning with my soul covered in bruises.

One of the more frequent exchanges with Dr. Z. would go like this:

Monte: Do you understand what I am saying here?
Dr. Z: No … I have some understandING that I hope will help, but I do not underSTAND.

What Dr. Z was saying is that simply because you have the facts—and you rarely have as many as you think you do—doesn’t necessarily mean you have the truth.

This insight first dawned on me years ago in a Personal Development workshop I was attending. On Day One, as we are getting seated in our chairs, the facilitator walks up to the front of the room, and begins preparing for the day. He takes off his watch and puts it down on the control board for his sound system, he fiddles with the volume, he walks over and picks up a bottle of water, he moves the stool he is going to sit on and so forth. He then says, “There is paper and pen under your chairs. I want you to write down everything I have done since I stepped onto the stage.”

Once we all were finished writing, having filmed the event, he played a video of the 5 or 6 minutes we were seeking to remember, noting every detail, every action. As I remember it, there were 26 specific things. Most of the people only remembered 5 or 6, only a few of us remembered even 20 of those 26 movements. And, not being satisfied that we were sufficiently chagrined, he added this: “Even if you had seen and remembered every movement I made, you had no idea as to my thinking, intent or psychological state, any of which could have cast an entirely different light on what I had been doing.”

“So, if you can’t accurately recall what just happened, how is it that you think all those stories rattling around in your brain about your past are accurate? And what about those stories you are telling yourself about other people, and relationships, even about yourselves?”

We may or may not have some understandING … but we do not underSTAND. And as soon as I think to myself, "I understand," all further understanding is barred.

Interesting: as the training room is most always a reflection of real life, we did have some who professed to know what he was thinking! I kid you not! Most of us have people like this in our worlds: mind-readers that, with God-like perception, know what we are thinking, know with certainty what we are feeling, and know, without a shadow of a doubt, what we have done and will do. People like this should be kept at arms length, as their lack of self-awareness –“I am not God”--and our obvious lack of visibility to them is a sure fire formula for some serious wreckage. Anyway

Have you ever sat around with your siblings, retelling stories from when you all were at home? It most always sounds as if you each came up in a different home with different parents: The same situation—the same “facts”—but entirely different experiences. Why? Because each of you filtered what was happening through your own beliefs, values, emotional states, fears and hopes, which, in turn, led you to have entirely different experiences from each other. And, to confuse matters even more, as our beliefs, values, and such evolve over time, when we look back on The Facts, we actually keep filtering "what happened," and, therefore, keep rewriting history!

The truth is that all of us filter what we see through the grid of our beliefs, values, mindset, worldview, preferences, opinions, present psychological states, predispositions, prejudices, hopes and fears. Whew. So the instant we witness a fact about a person’s actions or words, at that same instant it has already been bagged, tagged and filed away. In other words, it is never simply a fact but an interpretation of a fact.

So, when I say to someone, “I saw what you did,” what I am actually saying is, “I have my interpretation of what you did.”

Imagine the difference this makes in how we judge, evaluate, relate, and communicate with others, once we get that this is what is happening with all of us. For example, over these last years, I have noticed that when I am making an observation or giving advice to someone, the thought is most always prefaced with

It seems to me …
From what I can see …
I wonder if …
I may be missing something here, but it appears that

This is not merely a communication strategy: for me, this is my "reality."

Of course, this is a challenge for people who honestly think that they do not see through a glass darkly: no, they are not creatures of their times, their culture, their disposition, their personal history … they stand outside of history, above time, and see and know as God. They have all the facts that are needed to make a purely objective judgment. You did x, you are y, therefore z. Case closed.

As I think about the differences between having some UnderstandING and to UnderSTAND, before I even begin to venture a thought regarding what I think I just witnessed, what I am experiencing, what I remember, what I am being called on to evaluate, and etc., I am compelled to

Gather as many stories as possible from others (Hey, Even God gave us four stories about the life and teachings of Jesus)

Discover as many facts as possible, remaining aware of the differences between Facts and Truth

Humbly question my/their memories of “exactly” what happened

Hold judgments and evaluations very loosely, because the entire story could be changed with one added fact that I overlooked.

O so I believe …


Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Popeye-ism

“I ams what I ams.” Popeye

A 300 lb man who has been seeking to fill the hole in his soul with food has a heart attack, reevaluates his life, finds God, and drops 80 lbs

A self-centered woman that only lives for herself with never a caring thought for anyone else wakes up with a panic attack, realizing she is alone in this world. She asks forgiveness, reaches out to others, and now lives in a world filled with loved ones with whom she finds great joy and meaningfulness.

A severely introverted young man that has a phobia of other people travels to Central America where he providentially meets some villagers in need, and meets those needs. Seeing the radical change in living conditions his small help makes possible, he then falls so in love with serving those in need that he spends the rest of his life either serving such people, or speaking to others about doing so.

What do these people have in common? Each of them experienced a dramatic conversion in his or her Way of Being.

Yet, according to Popeye-ists

I ams what I ams
This is just who I am
I'm just that way
I'm just not that way.

How often do we hear ourselves expressing such beliefs?

On one hand, I think accepting where I am or who I am at this moment in time is healthy, as I can’t get to where I want to go if I don’t acknowledge where I am. However, if by accepting who I presently am or where I am presently, I am resigning myself to my condition or situation or whatever, more times than not, this is NOT healthy.

“Hi, my name is Monte Wilson and I am x.”

Now, if x equals “human” or “Caucasian” or “I need air to breathe,” then okay. We can all agree that is what it is and it isn’t going to change. However, if x equals attitudes or behaviors or mindsets, then, I believe, I am limiting myself and God as to what is possible in my life.

What if I say, “Hi, my name is Monte Wilson and I am a fool”? (Edith, Edith, come quick! Wilson is finally admitting he is a fool!) Well, if by this I am accepting that this is my present condition, and at the same time am open to and desirous of changing my condition, good show. If by this confession I am saying this is who I am and who I will always be … not so good.

Come on, isn’t the message of the New Testament one of grace, conversion and transformation? Go read I Corinthians 6: “Some of you were like that. But now....You were made right with God through our Lord Jesus Christ by the Spirit of our God.” (v. 11, New Life Version)

I am not my behavior or attitudes … or at least I do not have to be. If I am my behavior and something occurs that leads to my changing that behavior, am I no longer myself, no longer Monte Wilson? If Popeye ceases being a “Sailor Man,” is he no longer Popeye? I think all of us could make far more progress in life, if we would learn to distinguish behavior from identity.

I think a wiser confession or profession would be, “Hi, my name is Monte Wilson and, up until now, I have been a fool.” This way, I remain open to conversion and transformation, to the zillions of possibilities available to me for other behavioral and attitudinal choices.

I suggest that you not allow yourself to say, "I am this way," or others to say, “You are that way.” As soon as you accept such labels as an Unalterable Given, as soon as you acquiesce, you are stuck in a jail created by those labels.

So, why not begin saying, “Up until now…” when speaking of your present unwanted behaviors and attitudes, as well as when speaking about others? You will be amazed with the possibilities this creates for you and your future. After all, changing your mind—which is far more than you brain, by the way—changes your behavior, doesn't it?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Empathy

Weep with those who weep,
rejoice with those who rejoice
St Paul

Do unto others,
as you would have them
do unto you.
Jesus

I was a tad surprised by all the email regarding empathy. It obviously struck a chord. Given some of the questions, I need to make a few more comments.

Empathy: to understand and share the other person’s feelings. The antonym would be what … uncaring? hardhearted? I think the best antonym would be what the French refer to as sang-froid: a coolness, indifference, literally, cold-hearted.

Empathy is a challenge for all of us, as how does one honestly enter into and gain sympathetic understanding of the feelings, perceptions, and experience of another human being? This is especially the case when there are differences in gender, age, culture, religion, and so forth. I think we must always approach empathy as a matter of degree: something that we never fully possess, but, still, should seek to have as much as humanly possible. Anyway--

Empathy can be a two-edged sword

One Edge

Your words, expressions, arguments carry far more power and effectiveness, when others feel that you truly have entered into and understand their experience. Do you know how many people walk around feeling utterly invisible? Given this reality, the slightest demonstration of empathy creates a great potential for a deep level of rapport, as it communicates to others that you care, that you see them, and that, to some degree, you understand them.

The Other Edge

You can become controlled by empathy: intuiting what the other person is experiencing, and then empathizing so deeply that you lose the ability to say or do what is in their (or your) best interest. Some people are so taken by what others are feeling that they can only see through the eyes of the other, not through their own eyes.

Why choose not to empathize with someone?

Some people are uncomfortable with emotions, in general: theirs, yours,his, hers … doesn’t matter.

Others choose to not empathize because it would then require that they reconsider their own beliefs, behaviors, perceptions and decisions, which was the point of the previous blog.

Still others choose not to empathize when they are hurt or angry, so see absolutely no reason whatsoever to empathize with the offending party—which is actually one of those situations where empathy is most called for.

Whatever the case, failure to empathize with others robs us, and those around us, of the dignity owed to creations of God, don’t you think?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008