The Usefulness of Flexibility in Communication Strategies

A couple of Sundays back, my friend Steve and I were sitting in LP Field, enjoying watching the Titans playing the Rams, when two young ladies sat down next to me, followed by a young man. At first, I thought they were all friends, as the young man was so chatty, but, within a few moments, I could tell that while the young ladies were close, they had only just met the young man ... and were not interested in getting to know him.

Chattypotumus: (After trashing ex-girlfriend for dumping him) Maybe you two could teach me about girls!

Lady #1: (Staring at football field) Sound of crickets chirping

Lady #2: (Crosses arms and turns away from him.) More chirping.

Chattypotumus: What do you say?

Lady #2: Turns so that she is staring at the side of my face, with her back to the guy.

Lady #1: I don’t know anything.

After disappearing for a few minutes, the young man returns with a few beers.

Chattypotumus: (Extending a beer to each lady) I got you a beer!

Lady #1: I don’t want one.

Lady #2: If I want a beer, I will go get one myself. It’s too early for me …

Chattypotumus then takes off on a riff about his lousy experience with women, especially how mean his ex-girlfriend was, salting each and every sentence with “MF-this” and “MF that.” The more he talked, the more each lady pulled within, staring straight ahead.

It would have been quite entertaining, if it weren’t for the demonstrable discomfort of the ladies. As we left at halftime, I have no idea what happened to Chattypotumus. My guess is that it had something to do with a drink being poured over his head.

What amazed me was how oblivious the man was to the body language that was screaming Leave Us Alone. His ex- probably had to be brutal, as it was the only way to get through his thick skull.

What I would have liked to have said to Chattypotumus is this: If you keep doing what you have always done, you are going to keep getting what you have always gotten. If you want something different from what you always get, you need to do some things differently.

If you have ever gone down in flames during a conversation … Congratulations! Unlike this young man, at least you are aware of the fact that you didn’t achieve your outcome. This is huge, as you won’t change directions if you don’t see you are headed the wrong way. The next thing is learning to see early warning signals, thus, changing directions and escaping the Surface to Air Missile.

What is the outcome of your communication?

Chattypotumus’ outcome was to make friends with two young ladies.

What is your strategy for achieving the outcome?

Chattypotumus’ strategy was to believe and, therefore, to behave as if these two ladies were waiting with breathless anticipation to be gathered into the glory that was his world.

Then

Noticing what is working and not working, you begin changing your strategy until you see/hear/feel that you are back on track.

In a New York minute it was clear that his strategy was taking him in the opposite direction. What did he do? Doubled-down, going backwards even faster.

What could he have done? Shut up. Regroup. Gather his thoughts. LISTEN. Make a few innocuous comments about the game, paying attention to what interests and disinterests the ladies. Ask questions --where are you from? where do you work? – all the while seeking, to some degree, to create an atmosphere of trust. After all, you aren't going anywhere if you don't have rapport.

Remember: if you see you aren’t going in the direction of the intended outcome of your communication, CHANGE STRATEGIES!

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009