Rapport: Showing Up Like Them

A few years back I was sitting out in a hotel courtyard mentally preparing for a training I was about to facilitate. While I sat there being meditative and smoking a cigar, I noticed a man taking multiple trips to his car, loading the trunk with boxes, clothes and luggage. When he had finished, he came over, sat in a chair about 5 or 6 feet away from me, and lit a cigarette. Being the weirdo I am, I decided to engage in an experiment.

As he was slumped down in his chair, I did the same. Noting that he was breathing very deeply, drawing his breaths from the bottom of his feet, I began breathing in like manner. As cigarette smokers puff away faster than cigar smokers, I decided to only match his hand going to his mouth about every five times. I did all this for about 3 or 4 minutes. He then turned to me and said, “You feel like someone I can talk to,” and began telling me about how his favorite uncle and only living relative had just died. Experiment over. Serious discussion followed.

What happened here? Why did this man feel he could talk to me about his pain? I believe it has something to do with the reality that people like people who are like them.


You are walking into a room filled with military officers. They are dressed in pressed and smartly creased uniforms. They are standing at attention. You walk in wearing jeans and a sweatshirt and immediately slump down into a chair, asking, “What’s up, guys?”

What happens in such a scenario? Do you attain rapport with these people? Will there be a sense of connection between you? Will they believe that you understand them and their situation? Not hardly.


You are sitting across the desk of your manager. She is relaxed, sitting comfortably in her chair, with one arm on the desk and the other resting in her lap. You, however, are sitting in your chair as if a steel rod has been inserted where your backbone use to be. Both of your hands are placed on either knee. Your head is rigidly still and your skin is taught with the strain of “being serious.”

How will your manager be interpreting your demeanor as she is communicating with you? What do you think the chances are for you to establish a sense of connection with her?


Your audience is filled with highly educated people. They are here to listen to your presentation on a body of knowledge that they are interested in. You stand, you walk to the podium, and you open your lecture with, “Hey guys … what’s happenin’?”

What are the odds that these people will sense any degree of understanding as to who they are? What are the odds that your audience will be playing with iPhones, iPods, and Kindle’s while you make your presentation?


You are seeking to communicate to a potential client the value of what you have to offer. This client’s demeanor is Eeyore-like: she speaks low and moves slow. You, however, are shooting words at her in a high-pitched, rapid-fire fashion and gesticulating as if you were a Pentecostal preacher under the anointing.

Do you honestly think she is saying to herself: “Wow, this guy really gets me”?


Understanding that people are comfortable with people who are like them and applying it to how you stand, sit, gesture, breathe and use your voice and language go a long way toward maintaining rapport or breaking rapport. You don’t have to mirror the other person—in fact, if you do, he will probably think you are making fun of him! However, if the differences between your demeanors are extreme, the possibility of rapport is minimal.

As I have repeatedly noted, rapport is a process you want to monitor throughout your communication. However, the purpose of rapport is to achieve the goals of your communication. It is not enough for your audience to walk away saying to themselves, “Wow, I really felt connected to him.” If they don’t “buy” what you are “selling” – be it a product, a service or a body of knowledge – then you need to go back, re-establish rapport, and go for “YES.”

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009