Don't Ask; Don't Tell

Had Shakespeare been alive today, he would not have written, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players,” but, rather, “All the world is a couch, and all the men and women merely patients or psychoanalysts.” Whether it is a crisis in your marriage, with your children, your finances or difficulties on the job: never fear, Super Therapist is near!

“You are a ___ (sex, booze, adrenaline, religion, etc.) addict, have issues with mother or father or both, weren’t breast fed, weren’t potty trained properly, have ADD, have anger/fear/rejection issues, are a narcissist, a sadist, a masochist, a fundamentalist, a dualist, have a case of arrested development … and your mother dressed you funny.”

After diagnosing your issues in an instant, they will just as quickly and nonchalantly tell you how to solve them: “You need to go to this 12-step program, need 10 weeks at that rehab facility, should go to my therapist (that should send off warning-bells right there), read this book, go to such-and-such support group … then take two Zanex and call me in the morning.”

The mind-boggling thing is, you didn’t even ask them for their advice!

How is it that so many people see themselves as expert therapists or psychologists? What is it exactly that qualifies these people to tell you what your problem is, other than the fact that they stayed at a Holiday Inn? Easy. They were struggling with an issue, went to Amazon.com to search for books that would help regarding their issue, found one, and now—to everyone with a hammer, all problems look like nails.

Part of the challenge for many people is that they feel that they are supposed to help you … suppose to give you advice … suppose to quote the appropriate Bible verse. If you are such a person, consider the following quote from Henri Nouwen:

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." +

As I know all 5 people who subscribe to this blog quite well, I know that you are not running around giving advice. What inspired me then to comment on this social phenomenon? Interestingly, it was a young lady sitting next to me on a flight home from Africa who introduced herself by saying, “Hi, my name is—I will call her Ms Transparency (MT)-- and I was sexually abused by my uncle, when I was 10 years old.” She then proceeded to not only give me the lurid details but also ask me for my advice.

MW: I don’t have any advice.

MT: Well I think my healing will come from sharing with others … it takes a village, ya' know.

MW: What if the village is filled with idiots?

MT: That's rude.

MW: Maybe so.

MT: Don’t you think people should be open about their struggles?

MW: Sure … With their therapist or minister.

MT: I believe there is a collective consciousness today that will help us all evolve and be transformed to a higher level of being.

MW: (Thinking to myself, Man, I bet she has just been dying to take that line out for a spin) So, you have read Carl Jung?

MT: Who?

MW: Never mind. I have an idea. Rather than dwelling on what happened to you, why not focus on the person you wish to become?

MT: I need to be healed first.

MW: Okay. What or who is the Standard of Health? What does a healthy person look like to you?

MT: Someone who is honest about her issues.

MW: So your Standard of Health is a person with issues?

MT: Well … it is a person who is honest about where she is at.

MW: But my question is not about where you are at: my question is about who you want to become.

MT: (silence)

Anyway, it amazes me that people are so quick to either tell a perfect stranger where they are “at,” or to give advice to a perfect stranger.

My advice? Don’t ask, and don’t tell … unless you are paying for the advice, or being paid for it!

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008