I have always been intrigued by the fact that St. John was referred to as the Disciple Whom Jesus Loved. There were the 12 Disciples, then there were the 3 (Peter, James and John)…and then there was this one, John, “whom Jesus loved.” Obviously, Jesus loved all of his disciples, but there was something special about the 3, and even more special about the one: John.
I think the key that unlocks the door as to why John was special can be found at the foot of the cross. John was the only one of The Twelve that didn’t cut and run. I think the reason John was special to Jesus was the fact that John was more truly committed to Jesus. There was a mutual commitment and love that wasn’t found to the same degree with the other eleven men.
Yes, I know that Jesus was the God-Man and therefore there was no way that John’s love for Jesus could even come close to mirroring Christ’s love for him. Nevertheless, it did come closer than that of any of the other men.
Which brings me to the concept of mutuality within our relationships. I believe that sooner or later most relationships will gravitate to a mutual commitment…or, more accurately, a mutuality of giving and receiving. Those that do not are in for some rough waters.
Let’s start with Paul’s admonition that Light can have no fellowship with Darkness. Why is this? Because there can be no mutuality at the most fundamental levels of the relationship. People of the Light live according to a different standard, have as the source of their life the divine life of God, and have arranged their minds, hearts and lives along lines that are as yet foreign, if not down right contrary, to People of the Darkness.
Another example where there can be no mutuality: Consider the maxim in Proverbs regarding the need to not even waste our breath or time on fools. There is no mutuality here when it comes to decision-making and how to live life. If you get tied up to a fool, you are headed for destruction.
Other examples (to various degrees) of relationships where usually there is a disparity between giving and receiving would be the parent-child relationship, and the Discipler-disciple relationship. (Jesus: From now on I will no longer call you disciples, but friends.)
But what about normal relationships between friends or family members: how does this principle of mutuality work here?
Say you have a “best friend.” You enjoy one another. You have mutual hobbies, passions and visions. It is obvious that there is a compatible mutuality, correct? Well, maybe yes, maybe no! What if you are the one who always calls and initiates the get together, always invites the other over for dinner, and always the one who organizes the times for playing tennis, serving at the Women’s Pregnancy Center or whatever. Unless the person is an introvert, I am suggesting there is evidence that you may be attributing a higher degree of intimacy and importance to the relationship than the other person is.
Of course, if you are aware of this and are fine with it, then there is no problem…unless you invest yourself in the relationship as if there were a mutual giving and receiving. If you do this, you are living as if a fantasy is reality and that usually ends in a painful experience where you are disabused of your illusions. (This is called “disillusionment.”)
Within all relationships there is giving and receiving. We give love and receive love: we give and receive kindness, give and receive affection, give and receive loyalty, etc. Of course, there is always the ebb and flow of life where at times one is giving more than the other. However, over the course of time, there will be a mutual giving and receiving. But if there isn’t?
If there is no mutuality a number of things can happen. The one who is giving less and, consequently being offered more, will begin feeling uncomfortable or uneasy or even guilty. At this point they may begin starting arguments without even knowing why (they are seeking to get the “giver” to back off) or will simply begin fading out of his or her life. None of this is necessarily conscious mind you. In fact, unless both parties are very self-aware individuals, there will never be an actual conversation about what is happening.
Something else that may happen is that, without the giver even being all that aware of what he is doing, he will begin to back off relationally. Intuitively, the giver will begin to mirror the attitudes and actions of the receiver or taker. There is nothing essentially wrong with this, and it probably is the wisest thing one could do. Although, it would even be wiser if both knew what they were doing and why!
Isn’t it rare for a wealthy person to be best friends with a person from the middle-class? Why: because the rich guy is arrogant? Not necessarily. Quite often it is because the guy with all the money can give so much financially—paying for dinner at the Ritz, buying more expensive Christmas presents, etc.—and the person with less money will most always feel a tad guilty, as he or she is not giving as much as the other person. Mutuality will kick in and the relationship will seek a more appropriate degree of friendliness where both people feel comfortable. The only way this relationship will work on any but the most surface of levels is where the middle class person is bringing something to the relationship that both of them sees as equally as valuable.
Okay, Wilson. But where does “laying your life down for others” come in here?
Glad you asked.
If one of the parties is always needing to lay his or her life down for the other—and let us assume that in this case it is in keeping with the laws of love and not something driven by some martyr's complex—to what depth will the friendship/relationship grow during this process? I suggest that while it is potentially opening the door to a great friendship in the future, it is demonstrably not a friendship as we typically define that relationship. Someone is doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the receiving.
Even when God is pursuing us, seeking to pour his love out on us, showering us with blessings and etc., until we turn and give ourselves back to him, are we “friends” with God, or are we a lost and wayward people?
If you want to maintain healthy and vital relationships, watch out for mutuality.
In your friendships, are you giving as much as you are receiving? If not, is this a conscious decision on your part? Is the other person aware of the actual value you place on the relationship? I am not suggesting you handle this difference as some sort of confrontation, but it is something that the laws of love require you to address and act upon. Or so I believe.
copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007
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