The Nature of Love: The Principle of Mutuality

I have always been intrigued by the fact that St. John was referred to as the Disciple Whom Jesus Loved. There were the 12 Disciples, then there were the 3 (Peter, James and John)…and then there was this one, John, “whom Jesus loved.” Obviously, Jesus loved all of his disciples, but there was something special about the 3, and even more special about the one: John.

I think the key that unlocks the door as to why John was special can be found at the foot of the cross. John was the only one of The Twelve that didn’t cut and run. I think the reason John was special to Jesus was the fact that John was more truly committed to Jesus. There was a mutual commitment and love that wasn’t found to the same degree with the other eleven men.

Yes, I know that Jesus was the God-Man and therefore there was no way that John’s love for Jesus could even come close to mirroring Christ’s love for him. Nevertheless, it did come closer than that of any of the other men.

Which brings me to the concept of mutuality within our relationships. I believe that sooner or later most relationships will gravitate to a mutual commitment…or, more accurately, a mutuality of giving and receiving. Those that do not are in for some rough waters.

Let’s start with Paul’s admonition that Light can have no fellowship with Darkness. Why is this? Because there can be no mutuality at the most fundamental levels of the relationship. People of the Light live according to a different standard, have as the source of their life the divine life of God, and have arranged their minds, hearts and lives along lines that are as yet foreign, if not down right contrary, to People of the Darkness.

Another example where there can be no mutuality: Consider the maxim in Proverbs regarding the need to not even waste our breath or time on fools. There is no mutuality here when it comes to decision-making and how to live life. If you get tied up to a fool, you are headed for destruction.

Other examples (to various degrees) of relationships where usually there is a disparity between giving and receiving would be the parent-child relationship, and the Discipler-disciple relationship. (Jesus: From now on I will no longer call you disciples, but friends.)

But what about normal relationships between friends or family members: how does this principle of mutuality work here?

Say you have a “best friend.” You enjoy one another. You have mutual hobbies, passions and visions. It is obvious that there is a compatible mutuality, correct? Well, maybe yes, maybe no! What if you are the one who always calls and initiates the get together, always invites the other over for dinner, and always the one who organizes the times for playing tennis, serving at the Women’s Pregnancy Center or whatever. Unless the person is an introvert, I am suggesting there is evidence that you may be attributing a higher degree of intimacy and importance to the relationship than the other person is.

Of course, if you are aware of this and are fine with it, then there is no problem…unless you invest yourself in the relationship as if there were a mutual giving and receiving. If you do this, you are living as if a fantasy is reality and that usually ends in a painful experience where you are disabused of your illusions. (This is called “disillusionment.”)

Within all relationships there is giving and receiving. We give love and receive love: we give and receive kindness, give and receive affection, give and receive loyalty, etc. Of course, there is always the ebb and flow of life where at times one is giving more than the other. However, over the course of time, there will be a mutual giving and receiving. But if there isn’t?

If there is no mutuality a number of things can happen. The one who is giving less and, consequently being offered more, will begin feeling uncomfortable or uneasy or even guilty. At this point they may begin starting arguments without even knowing why (they are seeking to get the “giver” to back off) or will simply begin fading out of his or her life. None of this is necessarily conscious mind you. In fact, unless both parties are very self-aware individuals, there will never be an actual conversation about what is happening.

Something else that may happen is that, without the giver even being all that aware of what he is doing, he will begin to back off relationally. Intuitively, the giver will begin to mirror the attitudes and actions of the receiver or taker. There is nothing essentially wrong with this, and it probably is the wisest thing one could do. Although, it would even be wiser if both knew what they were doing and why!

Isn’t it rare for a wealthy person to be best friends with a person from the middle-class? Why: because the rich guy is arrogant? Not necessarily. Quite often it is because the guy with all the money can give so much financially—paying for dinner at the Ritz, buying more expensive Christmas presents, etc.—and the person with less money will most always feel a tad guilty, as he or she is not giving as much as the other person. Mutuality will kick in and the relationship will seek a more appropriate degree of friendliness where both people feel comfortable. The only way this relationship will work on any but the most surface of levels is where the middle class person is bringing something to the relationship that both of them sees as equally as valuable.

Okay, Wilson. But where does “laying your life down for others” come in here?

Glad you asked.

If one of the parties is always needing to lay his or her life down for the other—and let us assume that in this case it is in keeping with the laws of love and not something driven by some martyr's complex—to what depth will the friendship/relationship grow during this process? I suggest that while it is potentially opening the door to a great friendship in the future, it is demonstrably not a friendship as we typically define that relationship. Someone is doing all the giving and the other person is doing all the receiving.

Even when God is pursuing us, seeking to pour his love out on us, showering us with blessings and etc., until we turn and give ourselves back to him, are we “friends” with God, or are we a lost and wayward people?

If you want to maintain healthy and vital relationships, watch out for mutuality.

In your friendships, are you giving as much as you are receiving? If not, is this a conscious decision on your part? Is the other person aware of the actual value you place on the relationship? I am not suggesting you handle this difference as some sort of confrontation, but it is something that the laws of love require you to address and act upon. Or so I believe.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

The Nature of Love

O Corinthians! We have spoken openly to you, our heart is wide open. You are not restricted by us, but you are restricted by your own affections. Now in return for the same (I speak as to children), you also be open. 2 Corinthians 6: 11-13 (NKJ)

This is an incredible demonstration of how someone who has been filled with God's love will behave. After all the accusations, the condemnations thrown at Paul by the Corinthians, and the denigration of his contribution toward their spiritual welfare, Paul’s heart is unrestrained and unrestricted toward them.

As a minister, you are quite often being judged, sized up, evaluated and found wanting: usually because the standard being used is “my needs,” “my preferences", or “my opinions.” For many, the pain of these judgments can become so overwhelming that, almost unknowingly, they begin to shut down their hearts. And in doing so, they restrict their ability to show forth the love of God, as well as to receive love from others.

It is not merely ministers who are faced with the temptation of shutting their heart down, of course: it is a battle for most all of us.

Few relationships of any depth are without some pain. Loving someone causes us to be vulnerable to that person. The greater the degree of love, the greater our vulnerability…and this vulnerability opens us up to the potential of even greater personal pain.

We can’t have it both ways: we can’t be invulnerable to pain and open to both giving and receiving love. To the degree we close ourselves off from pain, to that same degree we close ourselves off from giving and receiving love.

The reality is, however, that sometimes we are so wounded that our psychological survival demands we shut down. The challenge here is to only shut down for as long as it takes to be healed. Sometimes this will take a very long time. In such a case as this, we must constantly be offering our hearts to God the Father and seek to remain aware that our present behavior, however understandable, is not what God ultimately wants for and from us.

Another reality is that there will be people in our lives where wisdom demands that we not trust them with our hearts. In this case, it is a conscious decision based upon wisdom, not a reaction to being hurt.

Let’s say you loan your car to a friend and this friend brings it back all scratched up. He asks forgiveness and you easily say, “Of course.” The next time you loan your car to the friend it comes back minus a bumper. This time the forgiveness is a bit of a stretch but, seeking to “believe the best,” you grant the individual forgiveness and, once again, loan him your car…that he brings back with the right front door all mangled. He weeps, he grovels, and he asks forgiveness. What do you do?

You forgive him, of course. Nevertheless you do not loan him your car again. Why? Because your car is a gift from God over which you are to remain a good steward. The same holds true for your heart. (By the way, for those Christians who think love demands that we give ourselves to all who ask of us, consider this: what do we call a person who gives their body to anyone who asks for it?)

The choice to not give our possessions, our lives or our hearts to specific people must come from a sense of wise stewardship, however, not as a reaction to pain.

And if someone dares ask, What Would Jesus Do? Tell ‘em to go read John 2: 23-25. After performing some miracles, many who witnessed these signs believed on Jesus. What did he do? Well, as he knew what was (or was not) in these people’s hearts, he chose to not commit himself to them. The superficiality of their faith meant that either they would be uninterested in "following him" as disciples or that, as soon as the trials began, these people would be the first in line to pick up stones and start firing away at him.

Jesus didn’t refrain from giving himself because he feared being hurt. He didn’t run away from a relationship with these people because he was fed up with abuse. Wisdom demanded he move on in search of those whose hearts were willing to be his.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Emotions

The most sentimental thing in the world
is to hide your feelings;
it is making too much of them.
GK Chesterton

I came into this world a very sensitive, emotional person. God in his wisdom saw to it that my father was not.

I remember the first time I heard Beethoven’s 9th Symphony: I was so moved by the grandeur of the music that I wept. I was 10 years old. When my father saw this, he yelled out to my mother, “Billie…he is crying…OVER THE MUSIC!” This greatly troubled my dad and continued to do so until I brought home my first girlfriend.

My dad spent considerable time teaching me to master my emotions and to utilize my reason. When I would begin crying during an argument he would respond by saying, “Tears do not persuade me: where is the logic of your assertions?” --Or some other such rational comment. And for this I am grateful. However…

Somewhere along the line I became frightened of my emotions, “making too much of them.” And this fear took on a religious veneer when I entered the world of Reformed Theology. (Or, as I now like to describe it, The Land of Vulcans and Stoics.)

It seems to me that much of conservative Christianity is void of emotions: no joy, no passion, and not even any real peace. Okay. There are a couple of emotions I do see from time to time: for example, anger during arguments or a passionate condemnation of those who are In The Wrong. But you get my point.

The fact that God gave us humans a capacity for emotion, gave us the ability to feel, tells us that he thinks emotions are a good thing. Certainly, there is the proclivity for perverting them or for making too much of them, but to rule out of hand all emotional responses appears to me to be a denial of the gifts God has given us.

Where we should celebrate our emotions some of us have a tendency of being embarrassed by them or even of downright hating them! Why is this? Because we have been lied to. We have been told that emotions are dangerous: are they any more dangerous than our minds? Yet we are constantly being told to repress our unruly emotions (“emotions” are most always described pejoratively) and listen to logic and reason, as if our logic and reason have always inexorably led us toward Truth, Beauty and Goodness.

I believe that when we disown our emotions we are choosing to deny our humanity. In fact, I believe that people who repress and deny their emotions are refusing to become fully human. After all, isn’t it our emotional responses to the world around that let us know that we are becoming conscious—that our minds and souls are waking up?

When we deny our emotions we are denying a part of our self, and this is incredibly unhealthy as it keeps us from knowing ourselves, keeps us from encountering a part of us that either needs healing or celebrating.

God comes to us, reveals his self to us not only through our minds but also through our emotions, through our senses. Refusing to utilize our senses, then, we are refusing to know and experience more of God.

When we push away our emotional response, say, to beauty or ugliness, we are choosing to be incongruent…refusing to have a corresponding and appropriate emotional response to the beautiful or the ugly. Consequently, we detach and disassociate ourselves; thereby choosing to not be authentically engaged in the life God has graced us with.

By the way, one of the reasons some people express their beliefs by saying, “I feel that…” is that their beliefs have an emotional component. They feel strongly about what they are asserting and so find it only natural to describe the belief as a feeling. (This is especially so for people who are kinesthetically oriented.) That’s why they look at the person who snidely exclaims, “I could not care less about what you feel but want to know what you believe” with such dismay: their beliefs and feelings are congruent. One is synonymous with the other. (Not that this makes their belief True or Wise.)

When Lazarus died, Jesus wept: he grieved over the loss, grieved for his friends. His response was not merely intellectual (don’t you know I am the resurrection and the life?), but an emotional one. Mind and heart operated together, congruently. He felt what he believed. Death was an enemy to be hated and overcome, something to be grieved over, yet with a sure hope.

To repress or deny our emotions is, as Chesterton noted, “making too much of them.” Yet, it can also be a case where we are not making enough of them, not giving them the weight they require, not listening to what they are telling us about ourselves. Either way, to deny our emotions stunts our growth as humans and restricts our ability to know and enjoy God. I don’t know about you but this doesn’t feel like all that wise of a choice.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

What Women Deserve

Charlotte Bronte’s novel, Jane Eyre, is one of my all time favorite stories. It is about an orphan’s metamorphosis into a lady of conviction and strength. Bronte’s ability to delve so deeply into the soul’s of her characters, giving her readers such a brilliant study of human nature, makes this book a masterpiece.

It is difficult for the modern reader to comprehend that this novel caused such a considerable amount of pandemonium when it was first published. It was not a particular aspect of the story that caused the brouhaha. No, the mayhem erupted because the author was a woman! In the 1800’s a woman’s place was hardly next to a Thackery or a Macaulay. Now if she had simply written a delicate little book of Christian devotion all would have been fine, but to pen a book full of romance and intrigue was out of the question.

Understanding the times in which she lived, Charlotte published the book under the pseudonym, Currance Bell. It didn’t take long, however, before the world discovered exactly who had defied the winds of public opinion and political correctness. Some of the critics were brutal. Even her Uncle Hugh ran to his minister for advice on how to weather the family’s certain storm of public scandal. Gratefully, his minister—along with many other literary critics—thought the novel was an excellent work.

We laugh now at such narrow-mindedness. Our times are so different from Charlotte’s that we can barely fathom the battle she and her female peers faced. We are so accustomed to reading Dorothy Sayers, Annie Dillard or J.R. Rowling that we tend to think female writers have been with us since Gutenberg’s press.

Without understanding the circumstances surrounding a certain novel, its significance can be obscured. In Charlotte’s case, we appreciate her book more fully, knowing the battle she had to fight as a female artist. Now, when we read the following passage the words make more sense to us:

"It is vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquility. They must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it. Millions are condemned to stiller doom than mine, and millions are in silent revolt against their lot. Nobody knows how many rebellions besides political rebellions ferment in the masses of life which people the earth. Women are supposed to be very calm generally; but women feel just as men feel; they need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute stagnation suffer precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow minded in their more privileged fellow creatures to say they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting stockings, to playing piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex."

Knowing the author’s circumstances, we read this passionate outburst and realize that we are hearing the heart of the author. I gained even more respect for Miss Bronte when I realized the courage she was displaying in writing a passage that many men would read as only so much arrogant drivel.

Historical Context
Knowing the historical setting of a particular author and book makes all the difference in the world in how we evaluate the author, her life and her art. Which brings me to how we read the scriptures.

How often have we passed right over the lives of Rahab, Mary or Phoebe because we failed to understand the significance of who they were or what they did? How many people ever stop to think about how radical it was to even mention their names in the first century?

Consider Rahab, the friendly little lady with a red light over her door. Her only claim to fame was hiding a couple of Jewish spies form the bad guys. And where does her name pop up again? In Hebrews 11: The Fall of Fame for People of Faith. Imagine the spasms her name—along with those of Ruth, Tamar and Mary—caused the average male reader.

For the typical male of the First Century, women were nothing more than ornaments or tools to be used as men saw fit. Why in the world would the New Testament make a big deal about some frilly little ladies? And what’s the deal with Jesus allowing women to be some of his closest friends and supporters? This is revolutionary stuff. While most of the male population saw women as not much more than instruments with which to produce more males, Christ made them an integral part of his ministry!

I think that one of the things that made the first chapter of Matthew’s Gospel so significant for the men of his day was the mentioning of women. (“Argh! Who cares who the Messiah’s grandmother was!”) By doing this, however, Matthew, along with his fellow Apostles, were declaring that Jesus, and thus Christianity, had a different take on women than other religions had.

In most every one of his letters, Paul commends specific women for their contribution to the cause of The Faith. What strange new practice is this? Why in the world would he mention the names of Phoebe and Mary along side those of Timothy and Titus? What had they accomplished? Had they prepared a particularly delicious meal? Had they produced ten sons? Perhaps they had sewn Paul a spiffy looking robe? Let’s take a look at one of the ladies to see what the hubbub was about.

When Paul applauds Phoebe for her valuable service, many historians believe it was because she had brought his letter to the church in Rome. Think about that. Saint Paul’s theological masterpiece entrusted to a woman. She traveled mile after mile across roads filled with thieves and murderers, carrying the heart of Paul’s theology—all by herself.

Consider the loss to Christianity had she lost the parchments. Certainly such a task should have been given to a man. Paul, however, saw Phoebe’s value and trusted her.

Wherever consistent Christianity has been established, women have been elevated. From the very beginning, the Church saw women as fellow-heirs and co-workers with their brothers in Christ. Even women outside the faith were not looked down upon but, rather, were seen as creations of God worthy of respect and endowed with significant gifts and talents for the good of others.

One of the world’s most respected sociologists of religion, Rodney Stark (not a Christian), had this to say about Christian women in the first century.

"Christian women had tremendous advantages compared to the woman next door, who was like them in every way except that she was a pagan. First, when did you get married? Most pagan girls were married at 11, before the age of puberty, and they had nothing to say about it, and they got married to some 35-year old guy. Christian women had plenty of say in the matter and tended to marry around 18."

"Abortion was a huge killer of women in this period, but Christian women were spared that. And infanticide—pagans killed little girls left and right. We’ve unearthed sewers clogged with the bones of newborn girls. But Christians prohibited this. Consequently, the sex ratio changed and Christians didn’t have the enormous shortage of women that plagued the rest of the empire." (Interview in Touchstone Magazine, January-February 2000, pp. 44-47.)

And Christianity’s liberation of women continued century after century. Did you know, for example, that battered, abused and abandoned women fled from across Europe to Calvin’s Geneva?

On The Other Hand
None of this is to say, however, that their brothers have always and everywhere treated Christian women with the respect and dignity due them. Sadly, if Charlotte Bronte were a member of a fundamentalist or hardcore conservative church today, the odds are that she just may have to revert to a pseudonym.

Part of this, I think, is due to the overreaction of such Christians and churches to the radically feminist message that there are absolutely no differences between the sexes. Seeing the devastation this brought to the lives and families of women and men who fell for this weirdness, these Christians reacted in the extreme. Rather than simply holding to the biblical message regarding women, these well-meaning people took the position that if the Feminists are For It, then they were Against It. For example, when the feminist were asserting that women could and should enter the market place and compete on an equal footing with men, the fundamentalists and conservatives, with no biblical warrant for their position, said, No Way. This Is Evil. Women Must Stay Home.

It is appalling to see Christian men treat women as lower class citizens whose existence is defined solely in terms of marriage and family, denying that along with their brothers women too “must have action.” And what do you say about churches who relegate women to a handful of places where they can serve (nursery, kitchen, music and floral arrangements) other than, What Utter Nonsense?!?

Do women not have callings, brains, wisdom, talents, gifts, visions, dreams, and aspirations? Are they only to act as cheerleaders for the men in their lives? Are they not permitted independent thought or are they merely a conduit for the thoughts of their dads, brothers, or husbands? Can they differ with their brothers without being told they are in rebellion?

By the way, the next time you hear some husband refer to his spouse as The Wife or The Little Lady what you are more than likely hearing and seeing is a man who treats his wife as an object for his own personal use. Go ahead: smack him in the back of the head and tell him that slavery was outlawed years ago.

No human should ever be treated as an object: it is demeaning, undignified and a sin against a fellow creation of God. Or so I believe.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Learning From Others

Here in the US, for the most, our education is via teachers talking at students. The “teacher” can be a parent sitting across from us at the dinner table, a person standing behind a desk or lectern, someone we listen to on a CD, or the author of the book we are reading. We listen, we take notes, we memorize, we reflect, and, if we are hungry for truth, we carry on an internal debate with our teacher. However, while this certainly can be an effective model for education, it does have some weaknesses.

One of the challenges of the teacher-talking-at-student model is that there is often very little discussion, and, when it does occur, it is rarely a rigorous give-and-take regarding the subject matter. Is the student actually grasping the material intellectually or is he or she merely memorizing for the upcoming exam? Is the student learning to categorize, compare and contrast, and integrate the subject at hand with the larger base of knowledge he presently possesses, or is each subject placed in a mental file where it is never allowed to interact with other fields of knowledge?

Intellectual types have a particularly unique challenge regarding this model. Intellectuals go after teachers/books as a person dying of thirst reaches out for water. They listen to lectures/sermons, they take copious notes, and then they go home and begin comparing what was just taught with all the other outlines of teachings they have received in the past. If it is a book, they underline passage after passage, often creating their own indexes for each book they read, and then begin pulling book after book off of their library shelves, creating a debate in their mind between themselves and various authors. All great stuff…yet, nevertheless, problematic. How so?

Books and scholarship are wonderful things. However, there are some subjects—some experiences—that cannot be learned by being talked at or through the reading of books. What is needed is a protracted debate, on-going questions and answers with even more questions, with other individuals who are sitting there with you.

Think Socrates. Think about the advantages of having a living individual who never accepts simple answers, the parroting of accepted “dogma,” or the assertion of one model to the neglect of all the other infinitely possible models. “How do you know?” “Who said?” “What did he actually mean by that…what was the historical context?” “How are we to define that word?” “How does your notions line up with this philosopher, that theologian, or this artist’s contrary assertion?” And so forth.

Think Jesus. “Here is how you pray for the sick/cast out demons/pray…watch me. Now, you do it, report back and let’s see what happened.” “Follow me and I will make you…I will help form you and shape you into the people you were destined to become.” While Jesus gave them information, his goal was life-formation (I will help make you into someone)--and life-formation does not happen solely by listening to lectures or reading books.

You are a parent who, for the first time, is telling one of your children to go wash his hands before coming to the dinner table. Do you sit him down in the living room and lecture him? “This is a bar of soap. It was first created by the Babylonians in 2800 BC and consisted of various fats and ashes,” or do you take him into the bathroom, turn the water on, putting his hands under the water, rubbing them together with the soap? Imagine if churches and schools utilized this method of instruction!

It seems to me that this is a particular challenge in most Christian settings, especially in Reformed circles where there are so many intellectual types. Listen, Listen, Listen, Read, Read, Read. Then, after Regurgitating Knowledge so as to impress all who will listen, there follows more listening and reading. Yet what of the character of such people? Where is the Fruit of the Spirit? What has their knowledge produced in their soul’s that is good, noble, praiseworthy and beautiful? Is their head larger than their heart? Has their knowledge puffed them up or has it produced more love for God, more love for others? Furthermore, have they honestly wrestled intellectually with theologies that are different from their own? Have they seen the holes, the weaknesses in various aspects of their own models or systems of theology?

If our learning processes includes a Socratic discussion with individuals who differ with us, I think the potential for a deeper understanding of our own beliefs and how they are to be lived increases exponentially. (We also just may discover that we don’t know what we are talking about, even if what we are asserting is the Truth! Of course, we might also discover we were wrong. “The Horror…the Horror.”) Imagine the benefit of respectfully and empathetically listening to and being challenged by people whose beliefs, worldviews and experiences are different from our own.

Imagine the difference it would make if our learning processes include a mentor, pastor, coach who walks along side us and helps us to see where our knowledge is not being lived out or applied consistently. Imagine having someone who was not satisfied with theoretical knowledge but insisted we experience and live what we have learned on an intellectual level.

I don’t know what I don’t know. Neither do you. Whether it is the reading of books or listening to a lecture, I don’t know what I missed, what I misunderstood or how I am misapplying (or not applying) what it is I think that I have learned. When I make assertions regarding the beliefs or practices of those with whom I differ, if I have not entered into an honest and empathetic debate with those who knowledgably adhere to such beliefs and practices, then I will most likely misrepresent them, will I not? And exactly how will this affect my cause with honest seekers who are listening to me?

Some people need to read more. Got it. But some of us need more interaction with other humans—especially with humans who differ with us--if we are truly to “learn.”

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Your Weaknesses are Part of Your Strengths

I see it all the time. People go to war against what they perceive as weaknesses in their personality, only to discover that they have shot and mortally wounded their strengths. Rather than merely tempering their weaknesses or guarding against some of the more potentially dangerous consequences of these weaknesses, they wish to root out the buggers tooth and nail. They then wake up surprised that they have lost their edge.

The sensitive poet seeks to steel his emotions only to discover that he can no longer see, hear, and feel the words that use to flow out of his soul.

The utilitarian businessman seeks to become more altruistic and loses half his earnings, has to lay off loyal employees, and has to battle insurrection in with his stockholders.

The scientist that never accepts dogma without question after question decides that she must be a bit more submissive toward conventional thinking…and begins falling prey to old stale thinking that leads to paths of ever increasing ignorance.

As I understand human nature, God has given us all certain talents and gifts that go a long way toward shaping our personalities and informing how we as individuals will move through life. The poet was made in such a way as to make music with words, the businessman intuitively knows what will and will not produce a profit, and the scientist was born asking “What if…?” Each gifting will then express itself in unique ways within the personalities of these individuals.

Your unique combination of talents and gifts come with certain personality traits that compliment them. Not being endowed with all possible talents and gifts there are some personality traits that you are not inclined toward, just as there are some tasks that do not appeal to you, and some things that you will never desire to master.

This is not to say there is never any need to stretch yourself, only that, for you, your capacity for exercising certain traits will not be the same as your friend’s who is gifted and, subsequently, shaped in others ways.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Legendary Leaders

For many a petty king ere Arthur came
Ruled in this isle and, ever waging war
Each upon the other, wasted all the land;
And still from time to time the heathen
host
Swarm’d over-seas, and harried what was
left.
And so there grew great tracts of wilder-
ness,
Wherein the beast was ever more and
more,
But man was less and less, till Arthur came.
For first Aurelius lived and fought and
died.
And after him King Uther fought and died,
But either fail’d to make the kingdom
one,
And after these King Arthur for a space,
And thro’ the puissance of his Table
Round,
Drew all their petty princedoms under him,
Their king and head, and made a realm and
reign’d.
Tennyson’s, The Coming of Arthur

Before they come, morale is low, turf wars abound, and an increasing amount of people behave more like beasts then the humans they were created to be. After they come, the air is permeated with excitement, all the ‘petty kings’ put away their private agendas and band together for the sake of “the vision,” and people begin to behave with dignity. What is it about Legendary Leaders that inspire us, direct us and ignite a desire within us to be more than we ever thought possible? And how do we become such Legendary Leaders?

Whether it is corporate debacles, the war against terrorism, the disintegration of families in our neighborhoods or the chaos in our public school system, everywhere we turn we see the need for Legendary Leaders such as portrayed in the myth of King Arthur and his building of Camelot. Without such men and women the enemies of truth, goodness, nobility and beauty swarm across the country, leaving us in a wilderness of lies, immorality, degradation and ugliness. Legendary Leaders, by their very nature, not only resist such enemies, they create healthy families, businesses, schools and societies that, like Camelot, are an example of the sort of greatness that we humans are capable of.

Great Souls Achieve Great Things
In referring to “their very nature,” we begin with the core of what makes a person a Legendary Leader. There is something about them that sets them apart, something about who they are that inspires people to trust and follow them. It is not merely that they have superior skills, although this is important; it is a case of their skills being infused with a certain life or grace or power.

I suggest that what makes Legendary Leaders is how their souls are shaped. There is an unalterable commitment to maintaining their values and an inexorable promise to themselves to achieving excellence and greatness in all that they do. There is nothing small or petty about such people: they have large visions, huge hearts and lofty standards to which they hold themselves accountable.

Lofty standards are not all that popular today. It is often thought that, to achieve greatness, one must be prepared to do some shady and ethically questionable things. Maybe a priest or a parent should hold to such high standards but a business executive? The presupposition is that the executive’s bottom line is the value of the company’s stock at the end of each quarter: this is all that matters in the end and one must be prepared to do whatever it takes to keep the stock holders happy and feeling secure. Whatever it takes.

Looking reality square in the face is absolutely necessary for an effective leader. But does reality honestly justify lying to stockholders or winking at the purposeful destroying of the reputation of competitors through slander or innuendo? Is there no longer any place for the leader who has the courage of his or her convictions? And who doesn’t think that the majority of stockholders in the US have been introduced to the consequences of short-term thinking and unethical business practices?

There must be some point where we say, “This far and no farther.” Are there to be no standards other than profit-at-any-cost? Aren’t there any ethical standards whose boundaries will not be crossed? Are there no lofty values worthy of our allegiance? And even from the most pragmatic viewpoint, in the long run is only taking care of the short-run a wise strategy for achieving greatness? It may be sufficient for short-term profit but it is an obstruction for the person whose commitment is to taking the quest toward becoming a Legendary Leader.

Legendary leaders are leaders whom, after they are long gone, are still legends. Their achievements stand the test of time; their successes are a legacy that lives on long after they are laid to rest. And how was it that they were able to accomplish this? For one thing, their code of chivalry, the lofty standards to which they hold themselves accountable, did not evolve from a desire to merely do great things but to become great individuals.

Great leaders relentlessly seek to attain and maintain their values, even when these values run contrary to their cultural milieu. How valuable is a value that we cast aside as soon as it cost us some discomfort? Did you see the movie Braveheart, Mel Gibson’s rendition on the life of William Wallace? What was Wallace’s highest value? Hint: what was his last word before being executed? Freeeeeeeeedom! How different his life would have been had he traded freedom for security.

It is a small and blind soul that discards the sort of values that create a life capable of great achievements. In the heart of a Legendary Leader you will find such values as honesty, fidelity, courage, productivity, honor, justice, and excellence: each being supported by a sacred promise to God and to self to maintain these values regardless of the cost, which is the very definition of true integrity.

When Arthur began choosing Knights for his Round Table, these Knights had to take a vow: they were to pledge their fealty to Arthur and his code of chivalry. There was a dream that was Camelot and this dream could only materialize if the people who were fighting for its realization aligned their behavior to the dream. There was to be no murdering of innocents, no treason, and mercy was to be given to any who asked for it. The weak and defenseless were to always be given aid and comfort. This code was to be held as a sacred trust because such behavior would ensure the integrity of Arthur’s reign through maintaining the moral high ground from which he would extend his kingdom.

Is there any other path to Legendary Leadership than an honorable and noble code that is used as a compass? Well, it depends upon the nature of the legend you wish to create, doesn’t it? Do you want to be the leader who made slaves or the one who freed them? Do you want to be remembered as the leader who paved the path for the creation of long-term wealth or the one who raped and pillaged and left the corporation on a life-support system? If an honorable legacy is of concern to you—if the future welfare of your family, your business, your culture, your world—is of paramount importance to you, than the path to avoid will be as clear as the one to choose.

Think of some legendary leaders whom you greatly admire. Now. They can be men and women within your industry or they can be people from all walks of life, living or dead. Choose the one you most admire and ask yourself this question: What has to Be There for this person to be able to lead as they do? What beliefs do they hold, what values do they maintain, what states of mind do they possess, what skills have they honed to perfection? Like Butch (played by actor Paul Newman) asked the Sundance Kid (played by Robert Redford), “Who are these guys?”

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

The Making of a Legendary Leader

Think of a legendary leader that you admire. This individual can be from any field of endeavor: business, politics, education, social action or family. What is that you admire about this person? What was their “greatness”? Now, look deeper down into what motivated and inspired them to do what they did. What are the values that he or she held to? Was it justice or compassion or liberty or service or … what? Notice, as you focus your attention on their values, how these values directed and supported their actions, actually made the greatness of their achievements inevitable.

Next, think of the things you wish to accomplish in your life. What great achievements do you wish to bring about? While considering these goals, what are the values that you will need to hold to so as to attain the desired success? Moreover, what will be your code of conduct that exemplifies these values? Spend as much time on this as you think your future deserves.

As you do this—as you begin developing your values and your code of conduct—you will bump up against some of your cherished beliefs. Some you will want to reinforce, others you will want to discard.

• What do you believe about your worth as a human being?
• What do you believe about your capacity for learning and leading?
• What do you believe about the times in which you live?
• What do you believe regarding your efficaciousness: your ability to be effective?
• What do you believe about the people you work with, the people you work for, the people who work for you? What do you believe about human nature and, more specifically, about the worth of those humans around you?

Solomon taught that our thoughts create our reality: As a man thinks, so he is. To state the maxim in another way we could say that our beliefs are self-fulfilling prophecies. We will live and organize our lives according to our beliefs.

With this in mind:

• What do you believe constitutes a “successful” life—a “good” life?
• What do you believe your purpose in life is? Why do you exist?
• What do you believe are your responsibilities regarding the sort of legacy you will leave your family and your community?

The answers to these questions are what are directing and shaping your life. Look at your life. As you look at your relationships, your finances, your career, your health and everything else that makes up “your life,” say to yourself, “My beliefs created this.” Of course, if you see something you wish to change, the first thing you will have to do is change your beliefs.

Believing in Your Self
One of the more core beliefs of a Legendary Leader is belief in one’s self and the legacy they wish to leave behind.

As a young boy I was always fascinated by biographies of Legendary Leaders. This fascination extended to myths and legends that were about everyday people achieving greatness. One of the ways in which the myths and legends mirrored the reality I intended to create and was also reading about in biographies of men like the great inventor Thomas Edison and the US President Theodore Roosevelt, was that within the leading characters there was always a deep sense of belief in what they were to become and to accomplish.

When young Arthur pulled the sword from the stone, in his mind’s eye he saw his future: he knew that he knew what his destiny was. When very few of the Knights would accept the idea of this young nobody with questionable heritage being exalted above them and, consequently, made war against him, he did not flinch from the battle, for he now knew where he wanted and needed to sit: on the throne of England.

Winston Churchill believed he was destined to lead Great Britain in a desperate war against the Nazis, long before he actually became the Prime Minister. This single belief was the North Star that guided his actions and kept him on course even when popular opinion supported the House of Commons’ utter rejection of his warnings about Hitler.

Churchill’s beliefs about being the Prime Minister of England were part and parcel of his vision for his nation. He had a vision of how the British could defeat Nazism and of how he was the man to lead them. When the King of England told him that he was to form a new government, he was not shocked and he was not ill prepared.

"(A)s I went to bed at about 3 a.m., I was conscious of a profound sense of relief. At last I had the authority to give directions over the whole scene. I felt as if I was walking with Destiny, and that my past life had been but a preparation for this hour and for this trial. Eleven years in the political wilderness had freed me from ordinary party antagonisms. My warnings over the last six years had been so numerous, so detailed, and were now so terribly vindicated, that no one could gainsay me. I could not be reproached either for making the war or with want or preparation for it. I thought I knew a good deal about it all, and I was sure I would not fail. Therefore, although impatient for the morning, I slept soundly and had no need for cheering dreams. Facts are better than dreams." (Winston S. Churchill, The Gathering Storm, Bantam Books, 1979, p. 596.)

Notice that neither Arthur’s or Churchill’s belief in themselves made them passive. Neither held their belief as a talisman that would magically create their destiny out of thin air but as a North Star that would guide their pursuits, and as a fire in their belly that would spur them on to great deeds. Beliefs and vision are not magic. The magic comes from the activities motivated by the beliefs.

The difference between a dream and a vision is the difference between a wish and a belief. “I’d really like for this to happen” is different from, “I believe and know that I will cause this to happen.”

Legendary Leaders believe that they will cause their vision to become reality: they believe in their efficaciousness. Leaders who achieve greatness know that they can and will make a difference in their world.

Legendary Leaders believe that they are as deserving of success as anyone else. I am not advocating an attitude of arrogance that says, “I am more worthy of success than others.” Working hard, working wisely, working ethically and working creatively will, over time, produce results: results that are earned and, therefore deserved by anyone who works in such ways.

Leaders that will leave great legacies and, so, become legendary, have incredibly focused minds. When George Lucas first began studying film making at the University of Southern California he said, “Suddenly my life was film—every waking hour.” When you discover the love-of-your-life and set about to inspire him or her to marry you, you no longer consider other options. No matter the beauty, the gifts, the talents, the character or the personality of others, they are not The One, and so never take up so much as a second of your mental or emotional energy in that regard. So it will be with you and the achievements and legacy your mind is focused upon creating.

Legendary Leaders are willing to take great risks so as to achieve great success. Would it shock you to discover that when Bill Gates (the founder of Microsoft and one of the wealthiest people in the world) was a young boy his favorite game was “Risk”? A game about world dominion! Whether it is the risk of political stature and cachet in speaking the truth as you see it (Churchill) or the financial risk of leaving your cushy, prestigious career as a University professor, buying up a trunk load of your recently published book (the one that the publisher told you would only sell a few thousand copies) and going to scores of interviews in small town radio stations across the USA—and at the end of the year having a best seller and making more money in one year than you had in the previous thirty-six years (Wayne Dyer, Your Erroneous Zones), the vision is worth the risk.

Leaders who become legends and leave great legacies relentlessly and proactively work toward the realization of their visions and goals. Such leaders are defined by consistent, positive moves toward their outcomes: they are not always reacting to circumstances or being led around by their noses by some focus group. You can hear this attitude in the words of Akio Morita (co-founder of Sony Corp. of America): “Our plan is to lead the public with new products rather than ask them what kind of products they want. The public does not know what is possible, but we do.”

For the Legendary Leader, the greatest sin is settling for the easy life. Great leaders have great hearts that strive for greatness of character, greatness in service and greatness in productivity. Nothing short of a Great Life will do. This is why such leaders are capable of great sacrifices and great risks. As Jim Collins noted in his book, Good To Great, “Few people attain great lives, in large part because it is just so easy to settle for a good life. The vast majority of companies never become great, precisely because the vast majority become quite good—and that is their main problem.” (Harper Business, 2001, p. 1.)

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Legendary Leaders: The Inner Side of Greatness

My strength is as the strength of ten,
Because my heart is pure.
Tennyson’s, Sir Galahad

One of the more common comments that corporate consultants, trainers and coaches hear from executives is, “Don’t bore us with any theoretical stuff: we only want practical advise and skills.” It doesn’t seem to occur to some people that if you foist a skill on someone whose beliefs, values and attitudes have not been correctly adjusted or modified so as to support the skill, the individual will either file the skill away with its accompanying workshop notebook never to be seen again, or will utilize the skill but never to the degree of expertise and elegance that would have been possible for them, had they heard some “theories”! The most effective education is transformational where what is practiced grows out of the heart and mind.

Great achievements, most often, grow out of particular attributes. As you study the lives of Legendary Leaders you discover that there are certain character traits, attributes and attitudes that made their achievements and their legacies possible. They did what they did because they were who they were.

The following are ten attributes that I believe shapes the soul that will become a Legendary Leader. In no way, am I implying that skills and competencies are unimportant. However, as more and more corporate case studies are revealing, developing Human Capital—developing the whole person—makes individuals far more valuable. Many people can learn to master certain skills and competencies. But few seem to know how to integrate that skill into the larger vision, to act with integrity or to be able to maintain their equilibrium when sudden changes occur. This is why so many successful CEO’s look first for great people and only second for people with great skills.

Ability to Maintain Equilibrium

Your journey toward becoming a Legendary Leader usually is accompanied with setbacks, hardships, adversities and anxieties. The ability to maintain your state of mind, to quickly get back up after being knocked down and to continue doing the right things in the right way while wrestling with your anxieties is absolutely necessary to maintaining your course. Someone who goes to bed and pulls the cover over their head and disappears for long periods of time (either literally or figuratively) will probably not arrive at their intended destination.

One of the things that I have noticed about great leaders is the level of anxiety they are able to endure for long periods of time. A good example of this is found in the Jewish scriptures that tell the story of the Legendary Leader, Joseph, who at seventeen years old had a vision that he would become a ruler. His brothers were said to be so angry and envious of him that they sold him into slavery. For thirteen years Joseph suffered the pain and hardships of slavery in Egypt before finally being exalted to second in command under Pharaoh.

I once heard Steve Forbes, Jr. speak at a college graduation ceremony. One of the suggestions he made to these young men and women was that they should not be overanxious if, after five years, they were not super successful millionaires. He noted that most people that attain such success do not do so until around fifty years old or older. (He was, he said, an exception to this rule, as he was discovered by management—his father—while still in the crib!)

Given the often-long periods of time between the vision and the attaining of the vision and the obstacles we will often face during this time, we must learn to maintain our psychological equilibrium. As Churchill said, “Never, never, never give up!” At the end of the day, we must be able to sing with Elton John, “I’m still standing…”

Consciousness

Legendary Leaders consistently assert their consciousness: they are both internally and externally aware of what is going on. Whether it is their own internal responses or reactions to people and circumstances or the responses and reactions of others, leaders are consistently aware of what’s going on. We can never allow ourselves to go to sleep at the wheel, to be numb to our own experiences, or deny what is showing up right in front of us. To checkout in this manner only blinds us to opportunities or opens the door to disasters.

Great souls “see what they see and know what they know.” (Nathaniel Brandon) They play no mind games where they deny or ignore the obvious. They may not presently know what to do with what they see but they never deny what is there. They never accept flying on automatic pilot or living a life of mindless routines. To do so would be irresponsible and would keep them from the life they wish to create.

Asserting my conscious means that I am paying attention to what works and to what isn’t working, whether this is in my own life, in the actions of others around me or in the market place where I am competing. Asserting my consciousness is staying awake to my inner and outer worlds.

Nathaniel Brandon defines consciousness as:

"Living consciously is a state of being mentally active rather than passive. It is the ability to look at the world through fresh eyes. It is intelligence taking joy in its own function. Living consciously is seeking to be aware of everything that bears on our interests, actions, values, purposes, and goals. It is the willingness to confront facts, pleasant or unpleasant. It is the desire to discover our mistakes and correct them. Within the range of our interests and concerns, it is the quest to keep expanding our awareness and understanding, both of the world external to self and of the world within. It is respect for reality and respect for the distinction between the real and the unreal. It is the commitment to see what we see and know what we know. It is recognition that the act of dismissing reality is the root of all evil." (The Art of Living Consciously: The Power of Awareness to Transform Everyday Life, A Fireside Book: Simon & Schuster, 1997, p. 11)

Courage

It often takes courage to say no to an unethical but very profitable opportunity. It takes courage to tell your boss what he or she will not enjoy hearing. It takes courage to take off on a direction that you have faith will lead to success while everyone around you is counseling you to take another route. It takes courage to invest your resources—time, money and energy—in a vision that may not be realized for years to come. It takes courage to initiate, to act decisively when everyone else around you is hanging back.

• Courage is not the absence of fear: it is doing the right thing in the right way in spite of your fears.
• Courage is not foolishness: courage considers the long-term cost of passivity and of action and then acts accordingly.
• Courage is not arrogance: courage is not about exalting self, but about exalting the mission, the cause and the values one holds sacred.

Legendary Leaders are courageous people that are self-motivated and self-governing. In other words, they do not need to be told to “get started” or to take responsibility and be accountable. They have the fortitude to do what must be done and to gladly accept the risks of leadership.

Creativity

To be creative is to ask the question, “What if…?” What if we did this in a different way? What if we stopped doing it the way we always have and struck out in “this” direction? What if we reorganized these divisions in the following way? Creative people think like Ralph Sefezian (Oracle) who said, “Change the rules before somebody else does.”

To be creative is not necessarily synonymous with being original. As Thomas Edison said, “Your idea needs to be original only in its adaptation to the problem you are currently working on.” Creative people will see the small adaptation that makes a huge difference in the profit margin. (Papa John’s Pizza with its “original ingredients.”) Creative people will combine diverse products into a single product.

Legendary Leaders will not only have an internal passion for creativity they will encourage it in others. Creative people seek out the insights and ideas of people around them. It is a small minded and shortsighted leader who thinks he or she is the only one allowed to be creative. True leadership encourages freedom of thought and expression, as well as innovation (as long as it serves the Vision).

Curiosity

Laurence Sterne said, “What a large volume of adventures may be grasped within this little span of life by him who interests his heart in everything.” (A Sentimental Journey) Curious people are people who are always learning. Their minds are never idle, their souls never experience decay, their lives are never static…and they have no frame of reference for what others refer to as “boredom.” All they experience is “adventure.”

Whether it is curiosity about people or things or a body of knowledge, Legendary Leaders have an insatiable desire to know what they have, up until now, not known. There is almost a childlike sense of wonder about such people as they constantly are in awe of some recent discovery.

Tell a curious person to not waste time reinventing the wheel and he or she will reply, “Why not…who says? Haven’t we actually reinvented the wheel many times since the wooden wheel on stagecoaches? What if we…?” If there is a way to streamline a process, it is the curious person who will discover how to do this. If there is a way to more effectively package a product, the curious person will find it. If there is a way to attract more quality people to our team, the curious person will figure it out. If there is a way to increase the company’s profit margin, it will be found by those who are curious, asking, “What if we…?”

Faith

Legendary Leaders live for something—or Someone—outside of themselves. There is a Vision that transcends their lives and, quite often, a God in whom they have placed their faith, both for their lives here and now and in eternity. Such people do not live for themselves but for the Vision, The Quest, The Holy Grail. This faith centers them. This faith integrates all aspects of their lives. This faith keeps them steady when everyone else around them are falling, running away or selling out their ethical standards for 30 pieces of silver.

One of the more enchanting things about such people is that they have no need to be the center of their universe. Life is not about them but about their Vision and their Faith. When they do assert themselves, it is not because of some need for a nuclear-powered-ego to be acknowledged but because of a perceived need to press on in the Quest.

Legendary Leaders know that they know that they are called and destined to the Quest. They have seen the Holy Grail of their mission in life and have faith that somehow, someway, the Vision will be attained. They may suffer doubt from time to time but this is like ants in the pants of their faith: it spurs them to look for opportunities for personal growth which, in turn, will further equip them for greater efficacy in their work.

Gratitude

Legendary Leaders know that the attainment of the Vision cannot happen without the contribution of others. And they are grateful for such people and what they bring to the table. We did not come into an empty world where we have to start from scratch—there were roads and houses and farms and electricity and buildings and a system of commerce that we simply adopted as our own. The Camelot we seek to construct can be accomplished because of those who have gone before us, as well as those who have joined themselves to our Quest. Realizing this fill the leader’s soul with gratitude.

When I express genuine gratitude toward the contribution of others, I am acknowledging my indebtedness as well as my appreciation. I am saying, “I see what you did, I see how it helps, and I am thankful”: a simple and noble act that profoundly touches both the giver and the receiver.

Ross Perot says, “You’ve got to create a working environment where people feel needed and worthwhile and part of a team with a mission they can buy.” Just so: and it is the constant expressions of genuine gratitude for how certain contributions moves the team further towards its goals and the realization of the Vision that will go a long way toward creating and maintaining this environment.

Humility

Humility is not self-pity. Humility is not self-hatred. Humility is not feelings of worminess. Humble people easily acknowledge that they are not the center of the universe (neither is the other guy), have these strengths and those weaknesses, and gladly accept the help of others so as to realize the Vision. In other words, humility is an acknowledgment of reality.

A humble person does not have to pretend to be an authority on all subjects and so is rarely the brunt of jokes about being a megalomaniac. Humble people do not have to constantly have their egos stroked. Humble people love having men and women around them who are brighter and more capable in many areas of expertise than they are. Humble people love giving everyone else credit for what has been accomplished. Because of this attitude, humble people easily achieve great things.

Humble people see themselves as servants. They are serving their God and serving their Vision. As a Legendary Leader, they believe that through their leadership they are serving others in regards to the attainment of the Vision. Even when a humble person challenges or rebukes another, it is with the intent of serving the person, as well as serving the Vision they both are seeking to attain.

Focus

Peter Drucker notes that, “Whenever something…is being done, I have learned that it is being done by a monomaniac with a vision.” The Legendary Leader’s entire life proclaims: This One Thing I Do. The leader who aspires to greatness knows where and when to focus his attention like a laser. He or she does not get bogged down in tasks and assignments that other people can do just as competently. Neither do they get lost in minutiae. For all of President’s Carter’s admirable attributes, what kept him from being an effective leader was his penchant and love for details. This kept him from delegating authority and wielding all of his resources toward those issues most important to the attaining of his vision for being in office.

Focusing on the primary issues and delegating everything else to others, not only strengthens the competency and confidence of emerging leadership, it also extends the borders of the leader’s influence and authority. As we cannot be in all places at once or be all things to all people, it is imperative that we choose and train leaders who wish to join us in our quest to leave a legacy of greatness.

Sense of Humor

The ability to laugh at oneself is critical to mental health. People who take themselves too seriously are a pain in the butt. It is a clear sign that they see themselves as Atlas holding the world upon their shoulders. They, as angelic beings, are never allowed to reveal their humanity and never allowed to make mistakes (or at least to admit to them). They wrap themselves in an aura of Gravity and Seriousness and, thereby, suck the life out of most every meeting they attend. The room lights up…when they leave.

People who cannot laugh at themselves actually are insecure. I don’t mean that they fear their face will crack: the insecurity I am referring to is that of the fear their team will see all of their deficiencies and weaknesses and such and, consequently, reject them. But the truth is that such transparency lets your team know that you know you are human and, thereby, allows them to share their fears and insecurities. When you laugh at the laughable in yourself, it creates an atmosphere of trust that allows people to ask for help and to even point out some of your blind spots. Is that great or what!

Legendary Leaders take their mission in life seriously. However, this is not the same thing as taking themselves seriously. When I take myself too seriously, I am placing my ego on center stage and making my feelings, my tastes, my preferences and the peculiarities of my personality all-important and something that all others must bow before. Not only is this silly but it is counterproductive to attaining great achievements. What the Legendary Leader does is place his or her Vision on center stage and acknowledges that This One Thing is what is important and what we all should take seriously.

Do all Legendary Leaders of past history embody all of these attributes? No, they do not. Some actually lived contrary to a few of these. However, I assert that their greatness, then, was in spite of their weaknesses in these areas (as it will be for all of us). Are there other important attributes? Yes, there are: yet these ten attributes will, in most cases, generate all of the other attributes we can think of as being a necessary ingredient to developing a great soul.

A Great Life begins in the heart and mind. The heart of a Legend was being developed long before anyone even recognized the existence or the potential of the future legend. If this is not the case, then the actions are a show or an act and will rarely be sustained for any long period of time. Such a shallow person may achieve fame, but they will not be legendary and their legacy will be fleeting.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Legendary Leaders: The Round Table

Arthur never heard speak of a knight in praise but he caused him to be numbered of his household…Because of these noble lords about his hall, of whom each knight pained himself to be the hardiest champion and none would count him the least praiseworthy, Arthur made the Round Table…It was ordained of Arthur that when his fair fellowship sat to meat, their chairs should be high alike, their service equal, and none before or after his comrade. Thus no man could boast that he was exalted above his fellow, for all alike were gathered round the board, and none was alien at the breaking of Arthur’s bread.

Wace, Roman de Brut

For century after century writers have told us of mythic Legendary Leaders and their bands, their fellows, their friends and their covenant brothers. It seems that such stories have always resonated with us humans.

• Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table
• Robin Hood and his Merry Men
• Frodo and his eight fellow travelers
• Harry with the ever present Ron and Hermione

There is an intriguing scripture in the book of Genesis where God is to have said, “It is not good that man should be alone” (2:18.) Here is Adam in all of his sinless perfection and yet there is a lack, a need for something else: for someone else. It does appear that for the vast majority of people there is something about our psychological makeup that craves companionship and community. We instinctively know that it is not good for us to be alone.

This is not simply a matter of having people around us. It is much deeper than this. What we want is an emotional connection and a sense of belonging to a group where we will realize much of our identity and, as we are about to see, attain what is needed so as to accomplish our mission.

Whatever we believe about our capacities, our potentialities and our abilities, I believe we would all admit that no one living has every skill, every competency or every nuance of wisdom so as to never stand in need of others.

• Generals do not win wars by themselves.
• Quarterbacks do not win Super Bowls by themselves.
• Managers do not craft the vision of the project, execute the plan, oversee its progress, remove any obstacles, and move the task all the way to a successful completion by themselves.
• CEO’s do not lead their corporations into greatness by themselves.

And any leader who believes and behaves otherwise will never, ever achieve the greatness that was possible to them.

Knights in Praise
One of the keys to success in life is learning to be a good judge of character. As Arthur began to build his team of fellow Knights we read that he was always listening for word of a Knight who was held in great esteem. What were the people saying about this Knight? What were those people whom this Knight would potentially be serving and protecting saying about him? Clearly what Arthur was listening for was news about a Knight whose character and level of skill was so exemplary, so outstanding, that people were in awe of him.

Notice that we are not told that these original Knights were clamoring to be chosen or lobbying to be adopted into the in-group. These Knights were chosen because of their performance, not because they volunteered. Someone may be a really wonderful person with solid character but if they are not a man or woman who is renown for their performance they should not sit at this table.

Arthur was, at first, not looking for men who showed promise or had potential. He was looking for Knights who already had a track record: men who had built a solid reputation over time. Certainly there are teams with a lower level of responsibility where a man or woman can prove him or her self. However, when you are looking to build a team that is going to lead the corporation to greatness, you will want great people around you.

In his book, Good to Great, Jim Collins writes about those Legendary Leaders who first got the right people onto the bus (and the wrong people off!), before fully deciding where the bus was headed. (Chapter 3: First Who…Then What.) As Collins notes (page 43), great leaders understand three simple truths. First, if you have the right people on the bus you can then more easily adapt to whatever happens down the road. Second, there will never be a problem with motivating people. Third, if you have the wrong people, it doesn’t matter whether or not you discover the right direction to move toward: having the wrong sort of people on the bus will keep you from ever arriving at your destination (greatness).

Choosing great people to sit at your table requires a healthy degree of self-esteem and self-respect. Weak, self-centered people do not want other luminaries around them: they fear anyone who may eclipse their sun. Leaders with low self-esteem will most always gravitate toward weaker people: people who are easily swayed, seduced, manipulated or cowered. Legendary Leaders choose those men and women who, by their character, competence and vision, motivate everyone around them—including the Leader—to greatness.

Choosing great people to sit at your table requires an understanding of legendary greatness. If all you wish for is fame, if all you strive towards is to be “good enough to get by,” or if all you really care about are the perks of greatness, then there will be no legacy of greatness, no legend that remains after you die. Men and women who aspire to legendary greatness, wish to leave a legacy that continues to symbolize all that they valued and the vision they carried in their hearts. To do this, to accomplish this sort of greatness, requires the gifts, talents, skills and wisdom of other people.

A Round Table
Legendary Leaders surround themselves with admirable people (Knights of Praise) and, therefore, covet each person’s contribution, insights, questions and opinions. The reason everyone is at this table is because each is critical to the attainment of the vision. No one at the table fears having their ideas ridiculed or their contributions denigrated. Each person knows his or her contribution will be fully appreciated and honored.

Legendary Leaders do not have worker bees or minions of yes-men sitting at their Round Tables. Legends do not surround themselves with cheerleaders or sycophants. Any person who would put up with being walked on, kept-in-their-place or required to rubber stamp anything the leader suggests is not worthy of the team. And any leader who wants people like this have something else on their mind other than legendary greatness.

One of the key components of an effective team is commonality. There is a common mission, common goals and a common mindset regarding how the team will work together. However, even if all this is in place, if the individual team members do not believe there is a mutuality of respect between each team member then the team’s effectiveness will decrease. Therefore, great care must be taken both in choosing who sits at this table (Knights in Praise) and in maintaining a code of conduct that supports a mutuality of respect.

When Legendary Leaders move on or die, their legend increases, the business or organization continues to grow and the vision remains. None of this happens if there was no team, no Knights of the Round Table. If the company falls apart, if the vision disintegrates, if the team does not continue on its quest to not only sustain the vision but also add further value to it, then legendary leadership was not attained.

Jon R. Katzenbach and Douglas K. Smith note in their book, The Wisdom of Teams, the higher up you look within an organization, the fewer the functioning teams. (Page 3) Much of this is because of the level of responsibilities with the ensuing demands on the executive’s time. But some of it, as the author’s assert, is because so few executives appear to actually get just how critical a high-level well-functioning team is to the corporation’s success. Maybe this is due to the fact that the sort of people who become executives usually got to where they are by maintaining an attitude of militant individualism—a mindset that sees everyone as a competitor for the next rung on the ladder. Sadly, both for the leader and for the corporation, such an approach to leadership and leadership development will not produce the legacy that would be possible if there was a Round Table.

Accountability
“…(A)nd none was alien at the breaking of Arthur’s bread.” Each Knight was expected to show up when Arthur said it was time for the Knights to gather at the Round Table. If the team is to perform, then there must be standards of accountability that are adhered to. Each person must know what is expected at what time and in what manner, and then be held accountable accordingly.

The Round Table exists for a purpose: there are dragons to sleigh, damsels to rescue and treasures to be found or produced. No matter how much everyone may love a certain Knight, if he or she, over time, does not produce, they do not belong at the Table.

Part of my understanding of ethical behavior is holding myself to a high level of accountability in my performance. I have agreed to perform certain tasks and am being paid to do so. To fail to uphold my part of the agreement is a breach of ethics, or so I believe. The Knights who sat at Arthur’s Table took great pains to constantly prove themselves the most worthy of his Table. (“…of whom each knight pained himself to be the hardiest champion and none would count him the least praiseworthy.”) This is the attitude and behavior to which each member of the team must hold one another accountable.

Who’s Who
What sort of people do you want at your Table? Certainly we all frequently find ourselves at Tables where we are not the gatekeepers. Yet, if and when you can choose, what sort of people are you looking for? And even if you are not in such a place, as yet, to formally build your own Team, what about a kitchen cabinet, an ad hoc team of people you gather around yourself so as to support one another in your Quests?

The following is a list of attributes that will place you on Tom Peter’s Hall of Fame list. These are the qualities that he is looking for in Knights of Praise.

• Self-invented: ever changing (not bound by "self-consistency")
• Tattered and bruised
• Inquisitive to a fault
• Childlike/naive with an appetite for exploration that mimics a 4 year old's
• Free from past
• Comfortable with the idea that life is a moving target
• Jolly (they laugh a lot)
• Audacious (even a bit nuts)
• Iconoclastic (only happy when they are on the wrong side of conventional wisdom)
• Multidimensional with flaws as great as their virtues
• Honest and confused...as all honest people are
• Larger than life (Though often engaged in small ventures, they all paint their canvases in bold colorful brush strokes and do not shrink from The Circus of Life)

So, what is your list? What are the attributes, character qualities and motivating forces that your Knights will embody? Who are, in the words of Collins, the right people to put on your bus? Put a lot of thought into this and then begin watching out for Knights of Praise.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007

Legendary Leaders: Your Code of Conduct

Never to do outrage, nor murder, and always to flee treason. Also, by no means to be cruel, but to give mercy unto him that asketh mercy, upon pain of forfeiture of their worship and lordship of King Arthur for evermore: and always to do to ladies, damsels, and gentlewomen succor, upon pain of death. Also, that no man takes battles in a wrongful quarrel for no law, nor for world’s goods. Unto this were all the knights sworn of the table round.

Sir Thomas Malory, Le Morte D’Arthur

You have begun your quest to becoming a Legendary Leader. You are seeking an inner greatness of soul that will produce great accomplishments. The question now is this: what code will you live by? What code will guide your choices of conduct? How exactly will you behave as you make your way through life?

The legendary basketball coach of UCLA, John Wooden, adopted the following code given to him by his father when he was a young man.

• Be true to yourself.
• Make each day your masterpiece.
• Help others.
• Drink deeply from good books, especially the Bible.
• Make friendship a fine art.
• Build a shelter against a rainy day.
• Pray for guidance, count and give thanks for your blessings every day.

This code has been what Coach Wooden has lived by all his life. It guided and governed him at all times.

If you are familiar with Arthurian legends you will remember that one of the chief codes of conduct for a knight was chivalry. A perfect description of chivalrous behavior is found in Mallory’s, Morte D’Arthur where Sir Ector describes Lancelot, who has just died, as “a man meek in the hall with women and as the sternest of knights in battle.” He was both humble and fierce—and he knew when to be which. Blending and integrating strength and honor, a warrior’s spirit with humility, was the code that governed the knight’s behavior on the battlefield and “in the hall with women.”

The wisdom of a code is that when a situation arises as to how you should behave in a particular context, you don’t have to wing it: you don’t have to fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants. You have thought about your code and have crafted it so as to know what behavior will harmonize with who you wish to be.

CS Lewis wrote that we humans were gods and goddesses—or demons—in the making. What sort of code will support such a future? What code of conduct will lead you toward god-likeness? (I am assuming no one reading this wishes his or her future to be that of becoming demon-like!)

Good Conduct
St. Paul offers a code of conduct found in his letter to the Church in Rome. Some of the behaviors he calls for people to adopt are the honoring of others above our selves, devotion to one another, living with zeal, hating what is evil and clinging to what is good. He also writes that we should live in harmony with one another, to be happy with those who are happy and to weep with those who weep.

What ethical standard will you live by? By what standard of behavior shall you gauge or measure your behavior and choices? How will you define “good” in regard to your behaviors and choices?

By the way, this is a very important topic when crafting your team, your Round Table: by what standard shall we live by? No one on your team ever chooses to act on their desires without believing that they are seeking something “good” for themselves. However, as we all have experienced, we often later discover that it really wasn’t a “good” move on our part! The key, then, is to agree on the mutually beneficial “good”—beneficial to me and to the team/organization—that serves both the individual’s and the organization’s long term goals.

What code of conduct do you want to adopt? What behaviors and choices will support your becoming a Legendary Leader? Before you answer, think about your life in its entirety: when your life is over, what sort of conduct over the many years of your life will have created for you—and for those around you—a good life, a happy life? What code will lead you down the path toward becoming a Legendary Leader?

When Jefferson and Company wrote that citizens of the US were to have the freedom to “pursue…happiness,” they were not speaking about the pursuit of pleasure or enjoyment. They were echoing Aristotle’s assertions regarding a life well lived, a life that in its entirety was a “good” life: the leading philosophers of antiquity used the terms “Good” and “Happiness” interchangeably. Whether or not you attained happiness or the good life, according to Aristotle, could only be ascertained when you were at the end of your life. This is why freedom was so important to the Framers of the US Constitution. You cannot deal with the question, “How can I pursue the creation of a good and happy life for myself,” if you are not free to choose and not free from coercion.

We choose to behave the way we do because we believe it will be a “good” thing for us—something that will make us happy. The question is, however, will the choice bring us momentary pleasure or will it serve to create the good life of a Legendary Leader?

Whatever your code of conduct is to be, it is something that requires time, reflection and deliberation. So as to provoke your thinking, consider some of the following codes.

Keep the Golden Rule. As Jesus said, do unto others as you would have them do unto you. How do you wish to be treated? Do you wish others to treat your beliefs with respect? Then do the same for others. Do you wish for others to respect your property? Then do the same for others. Do you wish to compete in the market place on an even playing field? Then do the same for others. Do you wish to be treated with the dignity due a unique creation of God? Then do the same or others.

Do you know the saying, “What goes around comes around”? It is a modern day version of Jesus’ words, whatever you sow that shall you reap. Our behavioral choices have repercussions that will reverberate throughout our life times and, I believe, throughout eternity.

Spend time with the best and the brightest. You are going to become like the people you hang out with. You are going to be influenced by the movies you watch and the books you read. As you look at those people you choose to be with and the sorts of books and movies you chose, ask yourself this: Do I want to be like these people? Life is short. Don’t waste precious moments on people who bore you, fail to inspire you and whose special talent is raining on everyone else’s parade.

Do not waste much time being with foolish people. I am not speaking of those who are less fortunate or who have experienced a temporary set back. Be generous in these situations. Who I am referring to here is that individual who never learns from their mistakes, who constantly experience failure after failure and are proud of their status as a victim. These are foolish people who will only waste your time. You may wish to pray for such people but do not spend much time with them: they will drain you of the resources needed for learning from others or for helping those who do wish to change.

Fill your world with those who are mastering life and who are also seeking to be legends. Make an effort to find people who have the same skills you do—only are even better at it than you are. Go meet people who are totally outside of your day-to-day world. How many artists do you know? How many people from different ethnic backgrounds “color” your world? How many quirky, weird, eccentric people do you hang out with?

Keep your word. Be sparing with your promises but when you make one keep it. When you say you will arrive at certain time, show up at the time you promised. When you say a meeting will begin and end at specific times, do so. When you promise to pay a bill, pay it—on time. When you say you will perform a certain task, perform the task as promised.

David, the King of ancient Israel, wrote about “swearing to your own hurt.” Once the promise is made—no matter what the cost—keep the promise. People of good character gravitate toward those whose word is a covenant bond. They want such people as friends, coworkers and spouses.

If keeping your promise becomes painfully problematic for you, at the very least, go to the one to whom you made the promise and see if they are open to renegotiating the terms of the promise. Whatever you do, do not simply decide to break your word. It will cheapen you and rob you of the power and energy that comes from moral congruence.

Mind your own business. Do not believe second hand information. Do not engage in discussions about people who are not present. Not ever. Your life is too important and too full to allow yourself to be distracted by how someone else is living his or her life.

Constantly seek wisdom. What is wisdom?

• Wisdom is the ability to make decisions that are sound and healthy for you over the course of your life.
• Wisdom is knowing how to apply truth/facts/information in a given real-life circumstance.
• Wisdom is acting in one’s self-interest.

Does this last definition surprise you? Solomon wrote that when individuals acted wisely they did so for themselves. Wise people, for example, understand that failure to keep one’s promises makes them untrustworthy: certainly not a reputation conducive to success in business or relationships. Wise people understand that it is in their own interest to earn the respect of others, to handle their finances with an eye on the long term and to see to it that they learn how to act appropriately within the various contexts of their lives. Increasing in wisdom serves our best interests.

Solomon also said that those who rejected discipline and correction were stupid. The wise person, on the other hand, continually seeks to increase in knowledge and understanding. Wise people not only do not reject being taught a better way of doing things, they beg their teachers to correct them! Like John Wayne said, “Life is difficult. It is even more difficult when you are stupid.”

Many of the people who can give you wisdom are no longer on the earth but their wisdom is still available. Right now, there are kings and queens, philosophers and storytellers, scientists and spiritual guides whose writings are filled with knowledge and understanding that can speed you on your way. Why rob yourself of their wealth of wisdom? Why not pursue such people as teachers and guides?

Be open hearted. Give of yourself. Be charitable. Allow others to love you and to be loved by you. A full life is not lived in isolation. Commit yourself to making friends, to being a friend to others and to serving those who are less fortunate than you.

Read great books. I began this chapter with legendary basketball coach John Wooden’s code of conduct. One of his codes was, “Drink deeply from good books, especially the Bible.” Other than studying literature regarding his profession, why would reading good books be important to Coach Wooden? First of all, he understands that he is more than a coach: he is a husband, a father, a son, a brother, a friend, a man and a human. Those individuals whose lives’ consists solely of their careers do not have a life; consequently, their careers will suffer. Secondly, whatever adds to Coach Wooden as a human, adds to his entire life.

Why “good books”? Why not simply say, “read books”? There is a saying, “You are what you eat.” The same can be said of the books with which you feed your brain. If all you ever give your brain is candy, you will get cavities. Read books that challenge you to think and that inspire you to wrestle with larger issues that we humans face: issues such as love, betrayal, courage, poverty, work, war, greed, nobility, death, hope and faith.

This is only a brief list of behaviors that you may wish to consider for your own code of conduct. Remember, the choices you make today or this year not only affects the present quality of your life but the quality of your entire life, as well. Choose wisely. Start with the vision of the Legendary Leader you wish to become and the legacy you will wish to leave and then begin crafting a code that will guide you toward the fulfillment of your vision.

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007