Mr. Manners

A man's manners are a mirror
in which he shows his portrait.
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Manners are of more importance than laws... Manners are what vex or soothe, corrupt or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like that of the air we breathe in.
--Edmund Burke

Love…does not behave rudely.
--St. Paul

Adam is working away in the Garden of Eden when he sees God.

Adam: Lord, I have been waiting to talk to you when Eve wasn’t around. I’d like to ask you some questions about her, if you don’t mind.
God: Sure thing, Adam. Ask away.
Adam: Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?
God: Well…I wanted you to be attracted to her, my son.
Adam: Er, if you don’t mind…could I ask another question?
God: Go ahead.
Adam: Well…why did you make her so soft?
God: That’s easy. So that you would want her.
Adam: Okay. I know I am pushing the envelope here…but could I ask you one more question?
God: Yes. One more.
Adam: Lord, why did you make her so dumb?

God: O that’s the easiest one of all, Adam. I did that so that she would actually want you.

Upscale restaurant. Man and woman all dressed up. It is obviously a Special Evening. Man answers mobile phone and talks for 5 minutes. He is so engrossed in the conversation he doesn’t see that the woman has rolled her eyes repeatedly and sighed so loudly that I heard her…and I was at least 20 feet away.

Young lady works at getting her luggage in one of the overhead bins of the airplane. The suitcase appears to weigh more than she does. Man looks at her, and goes back to reading his magazine.

Where have our manners gone, men?

If you are familiar with Arthurian legends you will remember that one of the chief codes of conduct for a knight was chivalry. I was rereading Malory’s Morte d’Arthur the other day where I ran across a perfect description of chivalrous behavior. Sir Ector is describing Lancelot, who has just died, as “a man meek in the hall with women and as the sternest of knights in battle.” He was both humble and fierce—and he knew when to be which. Blending and integrating strength and honor, a warrior’s spirit with humility, was the code that governed the knight’s behavior on the battlefield and “in the hall with women.”

Yes, I know that militant feminism (these are those women where you can’t tell whether she is a damsel in distress or a dragon ready to belch fire) has left many of us men a tad anxious when it comes to how to behave around women: especially women whom we do not know that well. Nevertheless, even in these cases, a gracious and respectful offer of help or service will rarely be met with scorn, even if it is not accepted. Besides, since when is doing-right or behaving-appropriately predicated on the response of others?

The challenge today is that so many men are ignorant as to chivalrous behavior. Okay. Most men have not even heard of the word, much less considered the concept. The same goes for their fathers, which is where the problem began. But I believe it is an important component of what it means to be a man…what it means to be a gentleman.

Business dinner. Mr. Manager introduces new-hire: “This little girl is going to be a great addition to our team.” She is 30 years old, MBA grad and already has an astounding reputation as a numbers cruncher. She is demonstrably not a little girl.

Husband speaking to wife: “No honey, you can’t drive down to the beach.” (Patting her on the head) “I just think it’s too dangerous for you.” She is 37 years old. It is a 90- minute drive. This isn’t Africa.

Condescension masked as manners.

When St Paul referred to women as the Weaker Sex, he wasn’t saying women were the dumber sex, less fortunate sex, incompetent sex, or less valuable sex. The fact is, in some contexts, some of these things Could Be Said about the men women must deal with. Treating a grown woman as if she were a child, a daughter or a cute-little-ornament is disrespectful. And at the heart of manners is the element of genuine respect.

I am not going to get into a How To or a What If here. My intention is merely to provoke some thought on the subject of demonstrating respect for women in our behavior, words and attitudes. If you want a witty and comprehensive discourse on manners, go read, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Freshly Updated.

Come on guys: when you want to relive the Days of the Neanderthal, go camping with your buddies or hang out at a fraternity party. When you are around women, get a grip. Be a gentleman. Act honorably and appropriately. Even if you are uncertain as to what constitutes good manners in a particular context, being respectful, gracious and genuinely solicitous of a person’s wellbeing covers a multitude of social faux pas. As Emily Post said, “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

copyright Monte E Wilson, 2007