What Happened v What Now

I am in a place where I don’t know where I am!
Homer Simpson


By the time someone decides that they need talk to me as a coach or mentor, things are pretty much a disaster. “See this pile of garbage? Here (dropping garbage in my lap): help me turn this into something meaningful.”

I have been fired
Career is going great: wife left me
Career is going great: children hate me
Family is going great: boss hates me
My business partners, who are also my best friends, just threw me under the bus
I sacrificed everything for him … and he left
My child is in jail on drug charges
I just filed for bankruptcy and see no way forward
I am addicted to ______ (fill in the blank)


What did each of these people have in common? One commonality was that each of them usual ended their story with, “Where did I go wrong?”

Totally understandable. You feel shot in the back and want to know what you could have done differently. Why didn’t you see this coming? Or, “How could I have done this to myself?” The problem with this approach, however, is that it is oriented to the past.

Focusing on the past, all we can see is “what’s wrong.” This leads us into a very debilitating state of mind that is not conducive for rebuilding or reinventing our lives.

“I feel suicidal … I know, I’ll plan my future! First, I will eat this can of worms. Then, I will take a swim in the deep waters of self-pity. And then … maybe I’ll go to bed and pull the covers over my head.”

Anyway, how can we ever know with certainty that we have discovered THE problem(s)? After all, in many cases, THE source of the problem no longer exists, while the habits we created to cope with that problem remain intact.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not suggesting that we cannot gain wisdom from reflecting upon past errors in judgment. What I am suggesting is that this should not be our primary focus. Our focus needs to be on What Now?

Who do I want to become, how do I intend to behave, what do I want to accomplish?

What am I presently experiencing/doing that I want to change? A behavior problem? A state of mind?

What can I do to –what concrete actions can I take--to solve my problem? (As we cannot force others to Do What I Want, these “solutions” must be things that are in my power to accomplish.)

After doing the above, ask: What am I presently doing that is taking me in the desired direction? What am I presently doing that is reinforcing unwanted behaviors? – And what do I want to do about it?

Focus on what you want, not on what you do not want.

Quick: Don’t think of the color blue. Gottchya. You thought of the color blue, didn’t you? You cannot NOT think of something without FIRST thinking of it. This is why men who say, I will NEVER be like dad, turn out just like dad! THAT is where they focused all their energy! “Don’t be like dad, don’t be like dad, don’t be like dad…Dad, dad, dad! Hey, what’s dad doing in my mirror?”

Diving into the abyss of the past for answers is not the First Step to a new and better life. Start with What Now and you will find that, when past errors in judgment do come to light, you have a positive framework within which to address the past.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2010