Clearing Up Communication

One of the causes for breakdowns in communication is a lack of clarity in what is being asserted. Without questioning intention, most all of us fall into Distorting, Generalizing, Deleting, and assuming the other person Defines words exactly as we do. What follows is a template to help you begin clearing up your own communication, as well as for helping others to do the same. Of course, none of this will work if we do no ask questions respectfully. And what do I mean by respectfully? Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you!

By the way, this is not original. I was taught this years ago by a man I had hired as a coach to train me as a corporate trainer who had, no doubt, learned it from others.

Distortions

Mind reading
You do not care for me.
How do you know?

Lost performer: Value judgment where person judging is being left out.
It is wrong to say what is on your mind.
How do you know it is wrong? According to whom?

Cause-effect—You make me angry
How does what I am doing lead you to choose to anger yourself?

Complex equivalence—Two experiences being interpreted as one.
You don’t ask my opinion which means that you don’t trust me.
How does this mean I do not trust you?

Presuppositions—If you knew how that hurt my feelings, you wouldn’t say that.
Presupposes that hurt feelings are bad/hurt feelings are proof that you did something/said something wrong.

Generalizations

All, Every, Never, Everyone, Always

Necessity—required/must/ have to/need to/must not
We must always do it this way.
What prevents us from doing it differently?

You always do this/must never do that/everyone knows this is the way.
Always? Never? Everyone?

Possibility/impossibility—can/can’t could/wont
What would happen if …

Deletions

Nominalizations—where process words are turned into static nouns
Our relationship isn’t working.
Who is relating to whom in what way? How would you like to be
relating?

Unspecified verb
She rejected me.
How do you know?

Simple Deletions—
a) I am unhappy
About what/whom/how do you know?

b) Failure to specify referential index—WHOM/WHAT?
They do not want my input.
Who specifically and how do you know?

c) Comparative deletions—good/better/bad/etc
Doing it this way is better than that way.
Better than what/whom/compared to what?

Definitions

Words have meaning. The rub is that meaning varies from person to person.

I love you.
What do you mean by “love”? Who am I … what is that you see that you love?

I need this as soon as possible.
What specifically do you mean by “soon”?

Freedom is my highest value.
What does freedom look/sound/feel like to you?

I am a spiritual person.
What does spirituality mean to you?

I am a Republican/Democrat/Liberal/Progressive
What does this mean to you?


The more time we spend clearing up our communication, the greater the potential there is for getting at the core issues that appear to be troubling one or both of us. Or so I believe ...

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2010