Grace's Dream

Because Grace commanded so much respect, there was almost total silence when she arrived on the set. But she never distanced herself from others, and she was enormously friendly to everyone—no stuffy attitude, no star complex. As for her talents, Grace acted the way Johnny Weissmuller swam or Fred Astaire danced—she made it look easy. And she probably went through life totally misunderstood, since she usually said exactly what she meant.
--Cary Grant commenting on what he saw in Grace Kelly during the filming of To Catch a Thief


Pretty much every year--usually during the winter holidays--I look around for a biography of an artist. Ever since Junior High School, I have had a special love and respect for musicians, painters, dancers, actors, poets, sculptors, and writers. I am, however, especially drawn to the lives of actor’s.

I think my attraction to artists and actors in particular comes from a deep admiration for what it takes to create a work of art, what goes into perfecting the artist’s skills, and, in performing arts, the courage that it takes to abandon yourself to the performance, knowing that if you fail it will be before thousands or millions of people. Of course acting also is all about storytelling. A great play or movie is usually far more effective in provoking, heretofore, unexplored emotions and belief-systems than sermons or teaching sessions ever produce. Or so I believe …

I also love discovering who the artist is at his core. Who is this woman that was able to bring that character to life? What personality and character traits went into creating the success and failures the actor experienced? Anyway--This past year I chanced upon High Society: The Life of Grace Kelly, by Donald Spoto.

The very first time I saw Grace Kelly was in High Noon with Gary Cooper. While her beauty was startling I didn’t like her character at first because she played Coop’s Quaker fiancé who was bailing on him because he refused to be passive in the face of evil. Come on lady, he’s the Sheriff, for crying out loud. His job description specifically says, KILL BAD GUYS. Gratefully, at the end of the movie, she picks up a gun and kills the head bad guy. Okay, it was far more complex than this depiction but I was around 12 years old when I first saw this movie.

After High Noon, I remember seeing her in some Hitchcock flicks and, then, reading about her marrying Prince Ranier of Monaco in 1956, never again returning to the Silver Screen. This always intrigued me. Here she was, one of the most powerful actors in movies, an international icon of fashion, and, bam, she ups and walks off. Was she running from something, toward something or both? At the end of her life, was she glad she had walked away from acting?

Dads and the Dreams of Their Children
While reading her life’s story, one of the things that stood out to me was the lack of parental support for her decision to go into theater. Her father basically considered her a “write off.” (Spoto) He could not see that she was doing anything valuable with her life. He knew exactly what she should do, and it wasn’t theater. The only reason he and his mother allowed her to go to NYC was that they thought she would fail and be back home in 2 weeks.

Oops.

She didn’t fail.

Because of their lack of emotional support they never shared in what was one of the singular joys of her life. Why turn to people to whom you are invisible? Even if they disagreed, they could have at least respected her decision, choosing to believe in her, regardless. I mean it wasn’t as if she was headed out to be a hooker!

The night Grace won the Oscar for Best Actress in a leading role (1954) in The County Girl, her father sat in front of the television muttering, “I can’t believe it.” I wonder if it dawned on him how much he had lost with his daughter, because of his not believing in her.

Admirably, Grace was always loyal to her parents, never spoke ill of them and never allowed anyone else to do so, either. She was never bitter. She never shut her heart off to them.

She was once asked about marriage, if it was something she thought about. Her answer was something I think parents need to remember when it seems their children are headed toward a pathway that they think ill advised.

“Of course I think about marriage, but my career is the most important thing for me. If I interrupt now to get married—because I don’t believe in part time family life—I would risk passing the rest of my existence wondering whether or not I would have been able to become a great actress.” (She was 25 years old.)

But parents say things such as…

“You will be wasting precious years, if you go do this!”

“Don’t you want to have children?”

“Why don’t you do something worthwhile with your life?”

“I don’t think you are cut out to do this.”

“But what about my dreams? What happens if I spend the rest of my life in regret, wondering?”

“You’ll get over it.”

“You’ll thank us.”

“It’s not like you will have missed an opportunity to be a doctor or teacher. For crying out loud, it’s only art!”

No. It was not simply “art.” What it was was a dream, a vision, the drive to excel.

I suggest that we handle the dreams of our loved one’s very carefully. If our wisdom is rejected, it doesn’t mean we are being rejected. What happens if they subject themselves to advice their hearts believe to be false? Years later, they wonder … they feel cheated, they feel invisible. If we support them, believe in them even when doubting the wisdom of their decision, no matter what happens the bonds of love remain in tact. A choice to not believe in them is a choice to no longer share a major part of their lives, as well as a choice to be ever associated with the greatest of their regrets.

This isn’t simply about parental wisdom; it’s about the respect we show to the dreams of others, as well. You are not him. She is not you. We stand or fall before God for what we do with our talents. How can you tell her what she must think, feel, believe, or do? You can encourage, you can question, you can challenge but when you start acting god-like, telling her what path she must take? Even if you turn out to be right, the relationship is now damaged, if not over. And you? Good News: You get to rejoice in Being Right. Bad News: You are Alone.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2010