Stealth Warfare

We have all encountered such behavior:

You walk into her office, as scheduled, prepared to get a critical report you will need for your meeting with upper management. The report is not ready. What happened was that her computer froze. Time before that her car broke down.

He had agreed to come pick you up from work and take you to get your car at the auto repair shop. “I forgot.” Problem is that whenever it comes time to help you, he forgets to ... A LOT.

She calls it wit: everyone else experiences it as sarcastic barbs.

He is most always late.

Usually very emotionally mature, she goes into her Dumb Blond Routine whenever she feels she is about to be confronted.

He repeatedly changes the subject or drops a Confusion Bomb when team meetings are not going his way.

Quite articulate in most settings, she consistently is befuddled when it comes time to explaining why she disagrees/was late/ forgot.

He is the busiest person you know. There is not a speck of dust in his office and material on desk is in alphabetical order. You never see him sitting still. But he gets very little done.

It is never her fault. Never.

Every time there is a confrontation, he gets a headache.

Rather than telling you she will not grant you the loan/help you with the project/ go out with you Friday night, she simply disappears until it is too late for the loan to do any good/ the project due date passes/ it is Monday.

Whenever he wounds your feelings, he says he was only teasing.


Passive aggressive behavior defies expectations by Not. Doing. A. Single. Thing.

Passive aggressive behavior sabotages in ways that cannot clearly be attributed to the saboteur

Passive aggressive behavior is stealth warfare

What is the source of this behavior? I don’t think there is a single cause. Sometimes it is fear of authority, other times it is the behavior of a control freak, and quite often it is evidence of internalized anger. I am ticked off at you, him, them, it or myself but cannot talk about it so shall demonstrate it.

I was coaching a client last year that I noticed was often forgetting things, and would become confused when I asked him to explain to me a specific assignment he had been quite clear on just the day before. Turns out he was terrified of Being Wrong: his passive aggressive behaviors were to protect himself.

How to Deal

Confront I noticed that whenever we begin talking about this issue, you get a headache and we have to postpone the discussion. What is the problem?

Inform Do you realize that by being late to this meeting, you wasted $500 of the company’s money? (Ten team members being paid $50 per hour.)

Hold Accountable You are expected to be on time. If you are late again, no matter how “legitimate” your excuse, you will force me to (depends on context) remove you from this team/ assign you to different department/ fire you/ send you to counselor.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009