Asserting Your Right to Exist

I recently worked with a client who had struck a self-made brick wall that was standing in the way of his upward mobility. His 360 Feedback told him that most everyone under, around and over him saw him as being timid. His direct manager, he told me, was constantly telling him that he needed to be more assertive.

As he was a huge John Wayne fan, I reminded him of Duke’s line when playing J.B. Brooks in The Shootist (1976)

I won’t be wronged. I won’t be insulted. I won’t be laid a-hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.

The question I asked him to consider was this: Where did that sentiment come from? What was it that birthed such a Code of Conduct? The following week he called me and, without even saying “Hello,” blurted out, “Self respect.”

J.B. did not withhold from others the respect he demanded for himself.

He did not withhold from himself the respect that he gave everyone else.

The Right to Exist
I know a man who apologizes for everything. He is always saying, “Sorry … I am sorry … Sorry about that.” When I questioned him about this, he said he was sorry. Most of us know people like this: people who behave as if they were invisible, people whose every mood and gesture proclaims, I am Sorry for Being Here, Sorry for Taking up Space and Oxygen. Which gets to the core of the problem, here: Timid and insecure people aren’t quite sure that they have a right to Be There, a right to Be Anywhere, a right to Exist.

Do you remember Bill Cosby’s line about how his angry dad once told him, “I brought you into the world; I can take you out”? Hilarious line. However, how many children came up believing that their “right” to exist was predicated on daddy’s approval or meeting mommy’s every expectation? As they grew older, they gave this same authority over their right to exist to teachers, bosses, spouses, and ministers.

Assertive people believe that they have a right to exist In fact, they believe that their existence comes with certain inalienable rights such as “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” Subsequently, they choose their own path, follow their own conscience, and pursue happiness as they think best. Believing as they do, they accept the right and responsibility for developing their own beliefs, their own values, and their own ideals.

Read this out loud: “I need no one’s permission to exist. I need no one’s permission to think and believe as I choose. I need no one’s permission to be happy. I am responsible for my life: not him, not her, not them, not it.” What did you experience as you read those words? An affirming “Yes” or was there an underlying doubt? Did you find yourself knowing it was true, hoping it was true or fearing it was true?

By the way, when you see someone asserting him or herself in a belligerent or obnoxious manner, the odds are that their behavior erupted out of fear and insecurity, not out of a desire to honor their beliefs and values.

Self-assertion begins with self-awareness. Outwardly living and honoring your beliefs, values, and ideals require that you actually know what these are. If you don’t know, if you haven’t spent time studying, thinking, reflecting and, then, deciding what your existence is based on, what it stands for, then exactly what is it that you are honoring? I cannot assert myself if I do not know my self.

There are, of course, people who have clearly defined beliefs and such but somehow never publicly honor them or appropriately stand up for them when it counts. (I won’t be insulted.) You have to wonder, in these cases, how much of what they believe is authentic and heart-believed and how much is just so much intellectualizing.

As I honor my beliefs, values, and ideals in my words and actions, my self-respect increases, which, in turn, fuels my assertiveness. Contrarily, if I dishonor what I believe or allow others to do the same, my self-respect diminishes, which, in turn, curtails my ability to assert myself in seeking to honor what I know I have dishonored.

It is a constant struggle to keep your individuality from being snuffed out by the herd. Some people want to own you, and others want to use you by having you think their thoughts through your brain. Then there are those that are oblivious to your existence and, consequently, are utterly ignorant and indifferent toward the fact that they are about to trample on you and all that you hold dear. Whatever the case, drawing boundaries, maintaining your beliefs and values, and asserting your true self are a large part of the foundation for health and success in life.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2009