Overcoming Despair

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Thoreau

“Read your stuff on the Cost of Dreams and Turning Away From Success. While I am sure they each helped many of the people who read them, they served to drive home my awareness of the fact that I am not only without dreams but I no longer want them. Dreams torment me, they do not give me hope. As a Christian, I know better than to succumb to such despair but I am presently in a state of utter indifference. Can you write something that would help people like me?”

Despair: Feelings of not being “enough” for her/ him/ them/ it/ life

Despair: The distance between how I am and how I wish to be

Despair: The infinite gap between what I had hoped for and the realization of that hope (“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12)

Despair: The conviction that I have done something so terrible, so horrid, that I am now disqualified for life, hope, love, and happiness

Sleepless
Can’t stop sleeping
No appetite
Can’t stop eating
Heartsick
Heartbroken
Then
Numb
Indifferent
Hopeless
WTF

“… then black despair,
The shadow of a starless night, was thrown
Over the world in which I moved alone.” Shelly

Pain
Always ebbing and flowing
Yet never really going
Except here and there where
Choice ceases to exist.
MEW

I think Thoreau was correct: most of us have had or are living with various degrees of despair. My own experience is that you cannot reason your way out of despair, treating it as some mathematical formula that, if you can just get it right, will solve the problem. (Avoid all friends and counselors who treat your despair in this manner!) My experience is also teaching me that you cannot wrestle it to the ground, making it cry out “Uncle!” Fighting it only seems to make it stronger. On the other hand, accepting that “It is what it is” seems to lesson its intensity.

I wonder if the wiser tact here would be to ignore it? I do not say, “Deny it,” as this would be unreasonable and counterproductive: only … get about your life, accepting that the despair is there, yet not allowing it to dictate your behavior. With Macbeth, we want to say, “They have tied me to a stake. I cannot fly, but Bear-like I must fight the course.” This, I think, is the beginning of the Way Out: Fight the Course, Keep Moving. With Shelly our mantra must become, “No change, no pause, no hope! Yet I endure.”

One of the things I have experienced with despair is that it can often act like a narcotic that induces indifference. The more we take the drug of despair, the more indifferent we become, and the more we wish to keep taking the narcotic. Hope becomes The Enemy: no hope = numbness … indifference is my friend. But, as with all addictions, this only masks the problem, it does not bring healing.

Sometimes despair is a way of punishing myself. I am evil, I am hopeless, I am helpless: so I call down the wrath of Self on my own head. Pierre Charron spoke to this when he wrote: “Despair is like forward children, who, when you take away one of their playthings, throw the rest into the fire for madness. It grows angry with itself, turns its own executioner, and revenges its misfortunes on its own head.”

When I stop punishing myself, embracing the reality that Christ took my punishment upon himself …

When I accept my loss and acknowledge that my despair (or some part of it) might actually be a temper tantrum or a form of self-flagellation over not doing/ being/ getting what I “should have” done/ been/ gotten …

When I accept losses that were beyond my control and cast myself into the hands of the God Who is Good And Always Does Good …

The despair slackens.

And when my despair is over the fact that I am not who I thought I was?

Samson, the strongest of men, failed miserably
+ David, the most spiritual of men, failed miserably
+ Solomon, the wisest of men, failed miserably
= Get over yourself!


Get Busy
I think remaining active is one of the most useful things we can do, when we are in despair.

Never despair but if you do, work on in despair. Burke

I must lose myself in action less I wither in despair. Tennyson

It becomes no man to nurse despair; but, in the teeth of clenched antagonisms, to follow up the worthiest till he die. Tennyson

I am not referring to the frenetic behavior of those who are seeking to avoid pain, pretending it is not there, and staying so busy that they do not face their demons. No, I am speaking about that activity that keeps putting bread on the table, and, more importantly, is pointed toward building a future. When I previously wrote that we needed to ignore the despair, I also noted that I was not referring to denying it was there. Activity with periodic time set aside for meditation and reflection is the balance we are seeking.

An activity that is motivated by running from reality is not healthy: activity that serves to help us deal with reality is healthy. Like Kierkegaard said, “Face the facts of being what you are (I would add “where you are”), for that is what changes what you are.”

Accept (face the facts) that you are in despair,
Accept where you are culpable (if you are),
Accept What You (presently) Are,
Get busy
And change will occur.

Serving Others
I also think serving others is a great way of decreasing the intensity of our despair, or at least a healthy way of ignoring it. One of the challenges for people in the grip of despair is not allowing yourself to become centered on your Self. This is not, of course, to suggest that you should not take care of your self, only that we must remember that our malady does not release us from the laws of love.

Along this same line of thought, I also think it helps to hang out with our friends. While you will want to avoid “Job’s friends,” you need to be with those friends “who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing ... not healing, not curing ... that is a friend who cares.” (Henri Nouwen)

While some solitude is healthy, always being alone is dangerous for anyone, even more so when you are in despair. If you find that your present reality is that there are no such friends, then force yourself to get out-and-about and begin meeting people ... and pray that God sends some friends who will listen and Be There for you.

It is not good for man to be alone. Gen. 2:18

Planning a Future
Something else that helps us manage our despair is mapping out our future.

“But I don’t have a future, Wilson, at least not one that holds any promise for happiness: why do you think I am in despair? Remember the ‘not enough,’ ‘hopeless,’ lines you wrote? Hellooooo?”

I do understand this. Yet, what if you did have a future?

Pretend for a moment that the despair is gone: if you had a future what might it look like? Yes, yes, I am only asking you to pretend. If you want to hold on to your despair—better the devil you know than the angel you don’t—by all means, hold on to it. Stroke it, caress it … “There, there my preeeecious.”

So, let’s hallucinate here that the Good God still loves you, still has a purpose for your existence, other than serving as a warning for others: what might that future look like? Maybe you can only imagine a few small things: fine, go with that … but Go With That!

Our belief system really does matter, don’t you think? If we believe we do not have a promising future won’t that become a self-fulfilling prophecy? Won’t our attitudes and actions follow our faith/beliefs here? However, what if we nurture the belief—or at least hope—that we just might have a future?

“But I have no hope and my beliefs hold no power.”

Fine. Pretend that you do have hope, and that your belief in a promising future is rock solid: Go, and act accordingly.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008