Getting ready for a training on effective communication. Thought I would pass along some of the notes I am jotting down.
Outcomes
1. What do you want the person to see, hear, feel, and do? How will you know when you have this? If you don’t know what your outcome is, how will you know if you have achieved it? The clearer you are about the outcome, the more effectively you can design your communication strategy.
2. What is more important to you: being correct in everything you assert, or attaining your outcome?
3. Are you open to other possibilities regarding the realization of your outcomes that have as yet to be considered, or is your way The Way, The Truth and The Life?
4. Do you want people to willingly agree with you, genuinely accepting your arguments, or, if this doesn't work, is it acceptable to browbeat them into submission, knowing they will hate you in the morning? (Buyer’s remorse.)
Heated Communication
One of the challenges to achieving our outcome is when the communication becomes heated.
How do we process an argument?
1. Are we treating the other person’s concerns, fears, opinions, and beliefs with respect?
2. Is each person clear in his own mind as to what he wants/needs from the other? Is the person with whom you are communicating clear about what you want/need? How do you know?
3. Are we communicating or merely throwing words at each other?
4. Is either of us shutting down and stopping the process? (One of the main ways we shut down the process is to act out our emotions rather than communicating them.)
5. What perceptions of self and the other is each of us walking away with? When the argument is over, what stories are we telling ourselves about the argument? Do the stories match? Did we tell each other about these perceptions and stories?
One of the least effective forms of communication is what we say when we are reacting, as this usually causes the other person to become defensive and to escalate the intensity of their communication. This is especially the case with polar-responders. (By the way, in general, a soft answer turns away wrath. However, with some people a gentle answer communicates that you are not passionate about your assertions and positions.)
Reactions v Responses
Reaction: An outburst without conscious forethought, as in “knee-jerk reaction.”
A reaction is shooting-from-the-lip, seeing blood on the floor, and then asking questions.
Reactions are defensive
Responses are proactive
Reactions erupt from emotional upsets
Responses flow from conscious deliberation of desired outcomes, principles, values and the larger issues of the moment
Reactions are about “me v. you/them/it.”
Responses are about “us” and the larger issues at hand
Reactions are stuck in the moment
Responses move us forward
Please Note: The assertions of the reactionary may be correct. In this case, an appropriate response is to disregard his emotional upset and acknowledge the accuracy of his assertion/argument.
Guiding Principles
Everything about you, everything around you, is communicating. Your eyes, your skin tone, your mannerisms, your clothing, your breathing pattern, your posture, your level of energy, the ambiance of the surrounding setting, etc.: all of these are sending out information that either supports or detracts from your intended message. And remember, your words are actually a small percentage of what the other person is “hearing.”
This also applies to the person(s) you are communicating with. If all you do is listen to the actual words that are being spoken, you are missing out on most of what they are communicating.
It doesn’t matter what you intended to say, it is what people hear you saying that matters. If you aren’t getting through to them, it is not him/her/them: it is you. Stay flexible, change your communication strategy, change the setting, change your tone, your posture … change anything and everything until they actually understand your intended communication. Or not. If being right and making your failure to achieve your outcome all about him/her/it is most important to you, by all means, remain inflexible!
As soon as I make it about him/her/them (his doctor needs to up his meds, she is scatter brained, they are hardheaded, etc.), the game is up, all communication is over, and my desired outcome is out of reach. Certainly, there is a point where the other person is accountable: it’s just that most of us usually come to this conclusion far too quickly.
Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008
Reactions are defensive
Responses are proactive
Reactions erupt from emotional upsets
Responses flow from conscious deliberation of desired outcomes, principles, values and the larger issues of the moment
Reactions are about “me v. you/them/it.”
Responses are about “us” and the larger issues at hand
Reactions are stuck in the moment
Responses move us forward
Please Note: The assertions of the reactionary may be correct. In this case, an appropriate response is to disregard his emotional upset and acknowledge the accuracy of his assertion/argument.
Guiding Principles
You cannot NOT communicate
Everything about you, everything around you, is communicating. Your eyes, your skin tone, your mannerisms, your clothing, your breathing pattern, your posture, your level of energy, the ambiance of the surrounding setting, etc.: all of these are sending out information that either supports or detracts from your intended message. And remember, your words are actually a small percentage of what the other person is “hearing.”
This also applies to the person(s) you are communicating with. If all you do is listen to the actual words that are being spoken, you are missing out on most of what they are communicating.
The meaning of your communication
is the response you get
is the response you get
It doesn’t matter what you intended to say, it is what people hear you saying that matters. If you aren’t getting through to them, it is not him/her/them: it is you. Stay flexible, change your communication strategy, change the setting, change your tone, your posture … change anything and everything until they actually understand your intended communication. Or not. If being right and making your failure to achieve your outcome all about him/her/it is most important to you, by all means, remain inflexible!
As soon as I make it about him/her/them (his doctor needs to up his meds, she is scatter brained, they are hardheaded, etc.), the game is up, all communication is over, and my desired outcome is out of reach. Certainly, there is a point where the other person is accountable: it’s just that most of us usually come to this conclusion far too quickly.
Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008
