Love and Marriage

This past Saturday, my daughter Rachel Marie was married to Justin Wetmore. Rachel is my youngest daughter, and the last of the four girls to be married. I have had the privilege of performing the ceremonies for each of them. It has been one of the highest honors of my life to do this for them. As I was asked by many of those attending for my notes, I thought it easiest to post it here. Note: as it was a blustery and chilly day for a garden wedding, and people were shivering and offering each other money for the use of a coat, I edited myself, so as to be a bit briefer, so a few remarks found here didn’t make it.

Love. We speak of it, we create art to express it, and we die – metaphorically and literally -- because of it.

But what is it? When you say “love” do you mean what I mean … or something entirely different? In English, it is a squishy word, a grey word whose meanings are as ever changing as a kaleidoscope. We use the word love to describe our feelings toward dark chocolate, our favorite football team and our children: One word to describe so many different experiences.

In Latin the word “love” has 6 words for the different kinds of love we experience.

Amor: this refers to the passion that pulls the sexes together to create a family. It is as powerful as gravity itself. You meet her, your heart stops and you are inexorably drawn to her. You could no more resist her than you could jump out of a 20-story building and fly.

Eros: The god of sexual love and beauty … intimacy. This is that mad, gaga, head over heels, driven, obsessive love. This is that love that JD Salinger was writing about: “I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That’s the one thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty … you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.”

Affectus: This is the feeling of affection and admiration: the desire to be with your lover, because you admire him or her so very much. it is the source of compatibility. CS Lewis thought that it was this feeling of affectus that was “responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.”

Dilectio: This is where we delight in the person so much that simply being around her gives us unimaginable joy. The word comes from the root word electio: to “choose” to “elect.” In marriage, I think that this is of paramount importance. When eros is dormant and even affection wavers, it is this love of choice based upon deliberation that holds you steady.

Amacitia: this word speaks of friendship; alliance; mutuality. Break the law of mutuality to your peril. My dad once told me that marriage was 70-30. Sometimes you give 70, she gives 30, and sometimes the ratio reverses. BUT, and this is critical, over time there is a mutuality of giving and receiving.

One of the challenges most of us face in relationships is found here. What does he want? What does she want? Pay attention to her…to him. How is he demonstrating love? How is she demonstrating love? Go thou and do likewise … and then some. Study the other’s Way of Being and you will discover what you want to know regarding increasing your mutuality

Caritas: charity; mercy; God’s Love. As I was thinking about what to say here today it is this love that stood out. I have come to believe that many, many love-relationships fail because the love they have for each other is not tied to something or, for us Christians, to Someone: the transcendent God.

When our love for each other is All There Is to the relationship, there is a built in Not Enough. What I mean is that we cannot even remotely begin to fulfill all the needs of our lover: To believe otherwise is to place an unbearable burden on our marriage.

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul writes about the relationship of husband and wife and how they are to mirror the love relationship between Christ and His church. There must be a spiritual quality to our love, where God is invited in to be Over, In, and Under and Beside us. How else can we even begin to mirror his relationship with the church if he isn’t part of our relationship?

There is something else here, as well. Going back to Amacitia (mutuality/ alliance): I suggest that the more successful love-relationships are those where the two have an alliance regarding their Quests in life, their respective visions for why God placed each of them on earth.

One of the healthiest things you can do in the following months is to begin a conversation around God’s love and purpose for bringing you together.

What is your mission in life and how may I help you achieve it?
Why are we here on earth together, at this time in history?

While your visions will be different, you will find where they are compatible… you will also find yourselves living for something larger than your relationship, something — and Someone-- that transcends your love for each other and, thereby, increases your attraction, your affection, your admiration and your mutuality.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2011