Decision-Making: Right Mind, Right Questions, Right People

It always baffles me when people make major decisions for their lives while being depressed. Uh, what sort of goals will be set or decisions made in such a state of mind? “I hate myself, my life (sobbing, in fetal position) … I am going to die here if I do not do something else, anything else (retching) … o well, (fondling razor blade) … I will go do this.”

This reminds me of the guy who feared he was being followed by a couple of thugs, so began running up the stairs of the train station. He was terrified of the consequences, should he be caught. As he ran, he kept looking behind himself: are they catching up, how many men are there … and, not looking where he was going, he ran out in front of a speeding car and was killed.

Right Mind
The best decisions, the decisions you can live with for the rest of your life, should be made in the best frame of mind possible.

While you may not be in a situation where you can attain a sense of empowerment—of faith, hope and love—you can at least get to a place where you are neutral. By neutral, I do not mean feeling blah or dead to all feelings, but, rather, a state of calmness.

How do you get yourself into a proper state of mind?

Go for a long walk in the sunlight: twenty-minutes in the sun releases endorphins

Listen to uplifting music, watch an inspiring movie, or a comedy that leaves you belly laughing

Get out of bed, off the couch and walk around, reflecting on all those decisions you have made in your past that, over time, left you quite satisfied. How did you make the decision? What was the process? What was your state of mind? reeeememmmmberrrrr

Think back on those times in your life when all was black, you made some wise decisions, and the light reappeared

Go do something enjoyable: spend time at the beach, take a walk in the park, or maybe sip a glass of wine at the Ritz Carlton

Speaking of Right Mind: Evaluate the matrix through which you run your decisions. How long has it been since it was updated and refined? Have you ever taken the matrix apart to see what all is in there? Most people developed their matrix unconsciously: some values from mom and dad, a belief from the First Grade teacher, an attitude toward life from a song sung by Rolling Stones, a mindset shaped by their breakup with their first true love … all of which are used to “inform” and guide their decisions, usually even more so than their well-thought out theological systems. And because they are clueless as to what all is in their matrix, they are clueless as to The How or The Why of either their success or failures in decision-making.

Right Questions
“What will so-and-so think/feel/do if I decide for x” is usually not a primary concern, as it places far too much emphasis on the opinions, beliefs, values, and feelings of people who do not live in your skin, have beliefs and values that conflict with yours or that will change this time next year. Good thing to remember here: honoring others doesn’t require that you submit to them.

“What can I do to escape this depression/lousy relationship/unwanted job,” is another not-so-wise question, as it focuses your attention on what you don’t want (escape the thugs that are chasing me), rather than upon what you do want. Long-term happiness doesn’t come from running away from what you do not want, but running toward what you want out of life.

Some questions that may help:

If everyone is going to be happy with whatever I do, what are my options? (This is for those who wrestle with the fear of man or with allowing empathy for the feelings of others to dictate their decision, rather than to merely inform the decision-making)

What are some great things about needing to make this decision? “I will increase in wisdom.” “My self-respect will increase.” “For once, I will be taking my own stand.” “I can be more fully congruent, aligning my behavior with my values and beliefs.” “I will be learning how to make difficult decisions.” Any question that opens up more possibilities, helps you to change the frame of your decision from one that says, “This is a no-win decision,” to “Man, this is really presenting me with some great possibilities,” is a good question.

If I believed that I am capable of not only making this decision but also of owning the results of my decision, what would I do?

If I believed I was worthy of success/happiness/ love/respect, what would I choose?

If I took my wants, desires, hopes, values, and dreams seriously, what would I do?

Which options will broaden and deepen me as a person? Which of my options give me the greatest opportunities for growth?

How do I know that I am basing my decision on facts or truth: by what or whose criteria have I concluded that I have all the facts needed? How would I know if I were wrong, if there were other facts or truths?

Am I certain about my conclusions … so certain that I am willing to consider other options? And if I am not willing … what does that tell me about the depth of my certainty?

Understanding that our decisions are based on values we are seeking to attain or maintain (love, freedom, security, integrity, peace, etc.), what is the value you are seeking within the context of this particular decision?

Are there other ways or means by which you could attain the same value?

Is it possible that there are other values more important to you and that by deciding as you are considering, you will be in conflict with those higher and more important values?

Is it possible that your values are outdated, that you are seeking to maintain the values you had as a child, values that will not serve you as an adult, or values that will not serve your present vision and dreams? (Hey, if you want more adventure in your life, and your highest value is security … you are going to have some problems!)

Chunking up to your larger vision for life, how will what you decide here help or hinder the attainment of your vision, what you want most out of life? In other words, consider this decision within the larger framework of your life’s goals, aspirations, vision.

One place where you may potentially get better and, heretofore, unasked questions, is talking to the

Right People
People from different (macro and micro) cultures, because we all too often confuse ethics (what is right and wrong) with cultural preferences, and because such people have an entirely different take on life, love, work, success and happiness than we do

People with no stake in our decision, and thus having no agenda (Friends often enter into unspoken conspiracies where we refrain from saying what would upset their world, if they will do the same for us. Friends “know best” what will make us happy, by which they mean, what will make them happy. We choose our friends because in many ways they are a lot like us … which means that potentially they have the same blind spots, hang-ups, and proclivities we do and, therefore, won’t ask the most challenging questions)

People that have made such decisions in similar situations in the past and long after having made their decision are content with the results. Then go to someone who made the opposite decision and are also satisfied with the results

People whose lives are going to be directly affected by our decisions

My dad taught me that, before I come to conclusions about certain beliefs and such, I should go read or talk to those people who take an entirely different position, and know what they are talking about. He constantly was telling me to go find the experts, the authorities on the matter and listen to them. “If you can’t answer their most challenging questions and assertions, if you have as yet no argument that legitimately answers or counters theirs, you are probably not ready to come to a conclusion.” This goes for decision-making in general.

Don’t stick with The Herd, shying away from speaking with anyone whom you know is going to give you a run for your money in taking a contrary position to the one you are considering: actually, this is exactly who you want to talk to. Do you want to avoid buyer’s remorse? Do you want to increase the level of confidence you have regarding your final decision? Then go talk with those people whom, when you think about speaking with them regarding this decision, you hear yourself saying, “No way am I going to talk with him/her/them about this!”

Of course, at some point you need to actually make a decision. While there is far more to wise decision-making than most of us realize, we can also hide from decisions by choosing to be “stuck” in the process, sometime euphemistically referred to as “Waiting on God” or “allowing the universe to show me what to do.” Riiiiiiight


Do you want to make the wisest and most well-informed decision possible, decisions that open the greatest amount of possibilities for success and happiness? Or do you just wanna do what you’re gonna do, because you are scared of what might happen if you don’t, because you fear what others will think or feel about you, because you prefer the small risk-free world you live in to the larger world that is made possible by rolling the dice on all those suppressed dreams and desires?

Life is too wonderful to squander in fear, guilt, double-mindedness, and indecision. Life is a gift to cherish, something to embrace, not to run from; something to face full on with the respect and honor for the gift it is, not to shy away from until, at the last of your days, you are drowning in the regret of would-have, could-have, should-have.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Decision-Making: Taking Resposibility

Recently, while listening to someone explaining to me why they had made a particular decision, I was fascinated not so much by their decision but the reasons they were giving me for having made it. While driving away, I kept remembering the line about never giving people the reasons for your decisions: “Your decisions may be right but your reasons are sure to be wrong.” (Lord Mansfield)

If we make the right decision for the wrong reasons, our failure in reasoning will catch up to us in other decisions.

If we make the right choice for the wrong reason, once we are confronted with our faulty reasoning we will (understandably) begin second-guessing our decision, becoming double-minded.

If we make the right decision for the wrong reasons, we will not only get what we want, but it is highly likely that we will also get what we do not want.

Usually, people do what they want, and then come up with “reasons” for doing so. There were no sound reasons for their decision, simply feelings of desire or hope or fear. What is particularly telling is when their “reasons” morph here and there from one friend to another, then morph again with their families, and still again with their minister or church community, and again with their boss, as they seek to frame what they want to do, what they are going to do no matter what, with a plausible and winning argument for each person.

Be honest, man. “I am doing this because I feel like it”. “I am doing it because it makes me happy.” “I am doing this because I am frightened.“ Whatever. Own your feelings, own your decision. And remember: You don’t always have to justify your wants, desires, fears or hopes. You are an adult living in a free country where you do not have to have your papers-of-explanation ready for the Thought-Gestapo.

At the end of the day, at the end of time, you stand or fall before God for the choices you made, not him/ her/them/it. And God? He wants you to enjoy life, and enjoy the world he gave you to manage. You are free to do what you want, increasing in wisdom as you live your life, and, O yeah, don’t eat the fruit from that tree over there.

On the other hand, life’s most important decisions should be based on more than instinct, gut reaction and personal preference, but will need to include some intelligence and wisdom. These are those decisions with hairy consequences, decisions with a hefty risk-to-reward ratio. There is a difference in deciding which desk to purchase, which job applicant to hire, and whether or not to invest millions of dollars in a particular project; there is a difference between which suit to purchase, which job offer to accept and whom to marry, as each requires a quantum leap in the degree of wisdom (sound reasoning) needed, so as to have the greatest opportunity for long-term success and happiness.

After the creation of a sound matrix from which we make decisions (beliefs, values, code of conduct, vision, etc., all of which need to be periodically updated), I believe one of the first requirements for good decision-making is the willingness and commitment to owning the results of your decisions. If all goes well, you own the rewards. If it all falls apart, you own the mess that came from your decision. You. Nobody. Else. But. You.

One of my passions is coaching: I love serving executives in their quest for ever-increasing success in life. (Of course, one of my first goals is to discover how the individual is defining success.) Something I discovered early on is that one of the major differences between successful executives and those people “stuck” in middle-management jobs, is that the executive is willing to make decisions: especially the difficult ones. He or she is also ready to take responsibility for their decisions, whether it is a reward or a judgment, a win or a loss. Given that most of their decisions have been successful, they were rewarded with upward mobility.

When I was around 14 years old, I was having one of my daily rows with my dad. I was all huffy over the fact that he was treating me like I was 14 years old. What’s up with that? Anyway, I asked dad,

“Okay. When are you going to treat me like a man?”
“When you start behaving like one.”
“What does that mean?”
“When you start making decisions and paying for those decisions … when you are ready to be responsible for your own life, you’ll be a man.”

One of the signs of maturity is the commitment to making decisions, and to owning the costs, consequences and rewards of those decisions.

Thirty and Forty-year old children do not want to be responsible. They want risk free decisions, decisions that never leave a chocolate mess in their hands. If her decision proves to have been foolish, she wants mommy, daddy, priest or US Government to pay for the consequences. If his decision backfires, he wants plausible deniability: “He told me to …” “But you said, so I did …” “I asked for your opinion, you agreed with my decision, so you are just as culpable …” In other words, I do not own the consequences of my decision, but am, at the very least, demanding a shared burden of the fallout.

Stay Tuned for, Decision-Making: Right Mind, Right Questions, Right People

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Elegance

As a boy, movies had a huge influence on my life: especially the one’s starring Bogart, Stewart, Ladd, Mitchum, Grant, the Duke, and McQueen. One of the attributes I admired in the characters these men portrayed was their savoir-faire: each of them had a unique and finely honed masculine serenity, gallantry and elegance about them. In their time, the description would be that they were “polished.”

By elegance, I don’t mean how these guys dressed or held their cigarettes, although this was part of it, especially with Grant, but more of a case where the characters they portrayed knew just the right word, the appropriate posture to take or gesture to make, and how to behave in each context, so as to congruently show up as a man who was honoring the moment with his full and respectful presence.

As I understand elegance, it is never overwrought, never complex, but, rather, is simplicity itself

True elegance strips away the extraneous word and gesture, and demonstrates itself with only what is appropriate and necessary to the demands or needs of the moment

True elegance is all about respecting the event, the occasion, and the people that are being encountered in the moment

True elegance flows from a soul who knows who he is, where he is, and, then, intuits the most efficacious and appropriate manner to behave

True elegance pays attention to gestures, postures, words, and attitudes, because it knows that such things (if authentic) are tied to the soul, and, therefore, paying respectful attention to one (body) cannot be accomplished without giving attention to the other (soul), and vice versa

True elegance is not about snobbery, although some will mistake it as such, but about respect and honor

Think about the Japanese Tea Ceremony, where teas and small sweets are served to guests. The exact gestures and phrases are endlessly rehearsed (practice and repeat, practice and repeat, ad infinitum) so as to give the moment and the guests due regard. It’s a small thing, all things considered, yet in this ceremony, performed with laser-like attention to detail, each phrase and gesture is designed to demonstrate respect for the guests, for self, and for what is transpiring in that moment.

St. Paul said, “Love has … manners.” In loving others, in loving the very moment in which we are living, we give people, things, events, places, and etc., a demonstration of our love, respect, and honor, by how we are behaving in that context.

Love and respect requires that we study so as to perform the appropriate gestures, phrases, attitudes and demeanors for the occasion. No gesture is seen as irrelevant, no phrase is mindlessly spoken, no posture thoughtlessly adopted, for each has been chosen and expressed with due respect and honor for the people, the occasion and for the moment in time we find ourselves.

Or so I believe …

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Pavarotti: Nessun Dorma

The first anniversary of his death



Nobody shall sleep!...
Nobody shall sleep!
Even you, o Princess,
in your cold room,
watch the stars,
that tremble with love and with hope.
But my secret is hidden within me,
my name no one shall know...

No!...No!...
On your mouth I will tell it when the light shines.
And my kiss will dissolve the silence that makes you mine!...
(No one will know his name and we must, alas, die.)
Vanish, o night!
Set, stars! Set, stars!
At dawn, I will win! I will win! I will win!

Through a Glass Darkly

Arrogance diminishes wisdom
Arab Proverb

For most of this past year, I met once each few weeks with Dr. Z., a wise retired psychologist who I can only describe as the velvet covered brick. Each time I would leave his office thinking, this guy is so wise and compassionate and witty, so gentle, only to wake up the next morning with my soul covered in bruises.

One of the more frequent exchanges with Dr. Z. would go like this:

Monte: Do you understand what I am saying here?
Dr. Z: No … I have some understandING that I hope will help, but I do not underSTAND.

What Dr. Z was saying is that simply because you have the facts—and you rarely have as many as you think you do—doesn’t necessarily mean you have the truth.

This insight first dawned on me years ago in a Personal Development workshop I was attending. On Day One, as we are getting seated in our chairs, the facilitator walks up to the front of the room, and begins preparing for the day. He takes off his watch and puts it down on the control board for his sound system, he fiddles with the volume, he walks over and picks up a bottle of water, he moves the stool he is going to sit on and so forth. He then says, “There is paper and pen under your chairs. I want you to write down everything I have done since I stepped onto the stage.”

Once we all were finished writing, having filmed the event, he played a video of the 5 or 6 minutes we were seeking to remember, noting every detail, every action. As I remember it, there were 26 specific things. Most of the people only remembered 5 or 6, only a few of us remembered even 20 of those 26 movements. And, not being satisfied that we were sufficiently chagrined, he added this: “Even if you had seen and remembered every movement I made, you had no idea as to my thinking, intent or psychological state, any of which could have cast an entirely different light on what I had been doing.”

“So, if you can’t accurately recall what just happened, how is it that you think all those stories rattling around in your brain about your past are accurate? And what about those stories you are telling yourself about other people, and relationships, even about yourselves?”

We may or may not have some understandING … but we do not underSTAND. And as soon as I think to myself, "I understand," all further understanding is barred.

Interesting: as the training room is most always a reflection of real life, we did have some who professed to know what he was thinking! I kid you not! Most of us have people like this in our worlds: mind-readers that, with God-like perception, know what we are thinking, know with certainty what we are feeling, and know, without a shadow of a doubt, what we have done and will do. People like this should be kept at arms length, as their lack of self-awareness –“I am not God”--and our obvious lack of visibility to them is a sure fire formula for some serious wreckage. Anyway

Have you ever sat around with your siblings, retelling stories from when you all were at home? It most always sounds as if you each came up in a different home with different parents: The same situation—the same “facts”—but entirely different experiences. Why? Because each of you filtered what was happening through your own beliefs, values, emotional states, fears and hopes, which, in turn, led you to have entirely different experiences from each other. And, to confuse matters even more, as our beliefs, values, and such evolve over time, when we look back on The Facts, we actually keep filtering "what happened," and, therefore, keep rewriting history!

The truth is that all of us filter what we see through the grid of our beliefs, values, mindset, worldview, preferences, opinions, present psychological states, predispositions, prejudices, hopes and fears. Whew. So the instant we witness a fact about a person’s actions or words, at that same instant it has already been bagged, tagged and filed away. In other words, it is never simply a fact but an interpretation of a fact.

So, when I say to someone, “I saw what you did,” what I am actually saying is, “I have my interpretation of what you did.”

Imagine the difference this makes in how we judge, evaluate, relate, and communicate with others, once we get that this is what is happening with all of us. For example, over these last years, I have noticed that when I am making an observation or giving advice to someone, the thought is most always prefaced with

It seems to me …
From what I can see …
I wonder if …
I may be missing something here, but it appears that

This is not merely a communication strategy: for me, this is my "reality."

Of course, this is a challenge for people who honestly think that they do not see through a glass darkly: no, they are not creatures of their times, their culture, their disposition, their personal history … they stand outside of history, above time, and see and know as God. They have all the facts that are needed to make a purely objective judgment. You did x, you are y, therefore z. Case closed.

As I think about the differences between having some UnderstandING and to UnderSTAND, before I even begin to venture a thought regarding what I think I just witnessed, what I am experiencing, what I remember, what I am being called on to evaluate, and etc., I am compelled to

Gather as many stories as possible from others (Hey, Even God gave us four stories about the life and teachings of Jesus)

Discover as many facts as possible, remaining aware of the differences between Facts and Truth

Humbly question my/their memories of “exactly” what happened

Hold judgments and evaluations very loosely, because the entire story could be changed with one added fact that I overlooked.

O so I believe …


Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Popeye-ism

“I ams what I ams.” Popeye

A 300 lb man who has been seeking to fill the hole in his soul with food has a heart attack, reevaluates his life, finds God, and drops 80 lbs

A self-centered woman that only lives for herself with never a caring thought for anyone else wakes up with a panic attack, realizing she is alone in this world. She asks forgiveness, reaches out to others, and now lives in a world filled with loved ones with whom she finds great joy and meaningfulness.

A severely introverted young man that has a phobia of other people travels to Central America where he providentially meets some villagers in need, and meets those needs. Seeing the radical change in living conditions his small help makes possible, he then falls so in love with serving those in need that he spends the rest of his life either serving such people, or speaking to others about doing so.

What do these people have in common? Each of them experienced a dramatic conversion in his or her Way of Being.

Yet, according to Popeye-ists

I ams what I ams
This is just who I am
I'm just that way
I'm just not that way.

How often do we hear ourselves expressing such beliefs?

On one hand, I think accepting where I am or who I am at this moment in time is healthy, as I can’t get to where I want to go if I don’t acknowledge where I am. However, if by accepting who I presently am or where I am presently, I am resigning myself to my condition or situation or whatever, more times than not, this is NOT healthy.

“Hi, my name is Monte Wilson and I am x.”

Now, if x equals “human” or “Caucasian” or “I need air to breathe,” then okay. We can all agree that is what it is and it isn’t going to change. However, if x equals attitudes or behaviors or mindsets, then, I believe, I am limiting myself and God as to what is possible in my life.

What if I say, “Hi, my name is Monte Wilson and I am a fool”? (Edith, Edith, come quick! Wilson is finally admitting he is a fool!) Well, if by this I am accepting that this is my present condition, and at the same time am open to and desirous of changing my condition, good show. If by this confession I am saying this is who I am and who I will always be … not so good.

Come on, isn’t the message of the New Testament one of grace, conversion and transformation? Go read I Corinthians 6: “Some of you were like that. But now....You were made right with God through our Lord Jesus Christ by the Spirit of our God.” (v. 11, New Life Version)

I am not my behavior or attitudes … or at least I do not have to be. If I am my behavior and something occurs that leads to my changing that behavior, am I no longer myself, no longer Monte Wilson? If Popeye ceases being a “Sailor Man,” is he no longer Popeye? I think all of us could make far more progress in life, if we would learn to distinguish behavior from identity.

I think a wiser confession or profession would be, “Hi, my name is Monte Wilson and, up until now, I have been a fool.” This way, I remain open to conversion and transformation, to the zillions of possibilities available to me for other behavioral and attitudinal choices.

I suggest that you not allow yourself to say, "I am this way," or others to say, “You are that way.” As soon as you accept such labels as an Unalterable Given, as soon as you acquiesce, you are stuck in a jail created by those labels.

So, why not begin saying, “Up until now…” when speaking of your present unwanted behaviors and attitudes, as well as when speaking about others? You will be amazed with the possibilities this creates for you and your future. After all, changing your mind—which is far more than you brain, by the way—changes your behavior, doesn't it?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Empathy

Weep with those who weep,
rejoice with those who rejoice
St Paul

Do unto others,
as you would have them
do unto you.
Jesus

I was a tad surprised by all the email regarding empathy. It obviously struck a chord. Given some of the questions, I need to make a few more comments.

Empathy: to understand and share the other person’s feelings. The antonym would be what … uncaring? hardhearted? I think the best antonym would be what the French refer to as sang-froid: a coolness, indifference, literally, cold-hearted.

Empathy is a challenge for all of us, as how does one honestly enter into and gain sympathetic understanding of the feelings, perceptions, and experience of another human being? This is especially the case when there are differences in gender, age, culture, religion, and so forth. I think we must always approach empathy as a matter of degree: something that we never fully possess, but, still, should seek to have as much as humanly possible. Anyway--

Empathy can be a two-edged sword

One Edge

Your words, expressions, arguments carry far more power and effectiveness, when others feel that you truly have entered into and understand their experience. Do you know how many people walk around feeling utterly invisible? Given this reality, the slightest demonstration of empathy creates a great potential for a deep level of rapport, as it communicates to others that you care, that you see them, and that, to some degree, you understand them.

The Other Edge

You can become controlled by empathy: intuiting what the other person is experiencing, and then empathizing so deeply that you lose the ability to say or do what is in their (or your) best interest. Some people are so taken by what others are feeling that they can only see through the eyes of the other, not through their own eyes.

Why choose not to empathize with someone?

Some people are uncomfortable with emotions, in general: theirs, yours,his, hers … doesn’t matter.

Others choose to not empathize because it would then require that they reconsider their own beliefs, behaviors, perceptions and decisions, which was the point of the previous blog.

Still others choose not to empathize when they are hurt or angry, so see absolutely no reason whatsoever to empathize with the offending party—which is actually one of those situations where empathy is most called for.

Whatever the case, failure to empathize with others robs us, and those around us, of the dignity owed to creations of God, don’t you think?

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008