Ordinary World

Monks singing Duran Duran

But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Self-Critique v Self-Hatred

I ran across the following quote in a book review of Without Roots: The West, Relativism, Christianity, Islam, by Joseph Ratzinger and Marcello Pera. (Review by John Jay Hughes.)

“Of course Europe, and the West in general, have made many mistakes. But the West's most significant merit, Dr. Pera writes, quoting the Peruvian writer Maria Vargas Llosa, 'has been its ability to be self-critical.' Today, however, self-criticism has become 'a peculiar Western self-hatred that is nothing short of pathological,' Cardinal Ratzinger writes. 'It is commendable that the West is trying to be more open, to be more understanding of the values of outsiders, but it has lost all capacity for self-love. All that it sees in its own history is the despicable and the destructive; it is no longer able to perceive what is great and pure.'"

What struck me is how easily it is for us Christians to do this: to fall from self-criticism into self-hatred. And if we who are salting and lighting and leavening the cultures in which we live are doing this, what hope is there for the nations in which we live.

Serious Christians want to walk right, be right, do right. So as to accomplish this, we seriously go about evaluating and critiquing ourselves. “Wrong here, wrong there, bad here, bad there,” etc. The challenge, as the then Cardinal Ratzinger noted, is the refusal to see “what is great and pure” about us, which then turns into self-hatred.

Self-hatred is not a virtue: it is not synonymous with humility, as humility is the act of agreeing with God. Yes, you fail, have failed, and will fail again, but you also have accomplished good, and have many attributes which honor both you and God. Humility requires that you see that both good and bad are true of you. Yet, if all you choose to see are your failures, what happens to your ability to maintain what is “great and pure,” and to continue doing good?

How are we to love others as ourselves, if we do not love ourselves?

God: I see this “good” in you
You: Not so, Lord, I am nothing but a worm
God: You are telling me that I am wrong about you? Don’t you think that’s a tad arrogant … hmmmmm?

Falling down and failing is a part of the human condition: this is not an excuse for falling down, simply a humble acknowledgment of reality. However, why choose to define yourself solely by such failures? Yes, seeing pretty much only the good in yourself leads to arrogance, but seeing only the bad leads to self-hatred, which is just as deadly to spiritual and psychological health.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Chicken Little Goes to Vote

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation
for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.
-- Kierkegaard

“(A) conservative is one who protects and defends … private property, free markets, individual liberty, freedom of conscience, and the rights of the community to determine how they will live within these guidelines.” (Jonah Goldberg, Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left from Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning, p. 402f)

Jonah’s definition pretty much sums up my political philosophy.

“So, who are you going to vote for?”

Not going to tell you. “Not gonna do it … wouldn’t be prudent.” (Dana Carvey imitating Bush 41 on Saturday Night Live.)

What I am going to say is that a lot of people out there need to chill: specifically, Conservatives.

“If John McCain is our Party’s nominee, I am sitting out. In substance, he is no different than Hillary. He will ruin our movement and our Party.”

“Romney is a flip-flopper, squishy on abortion, and who knows what he will do regarding our war against the Jihadists.”

And this isn’t being said rationally so much as it is fearfully, as in, “O my Gaaaaawwd, the sky is falling!” Stranger still is that this is the sentiment of so many Christians. It is as if the "wrong" candidate were to get into office--i.e., the one I didn't vote for--all is lost, there is no hope ... THE END IS HERE!

Go figure.

I thought we believed in Providence? I thought we believed that a Loving Father was governing history? I thought we believed that promotion was from God alone, that he raises up whom he will?

Evidently not.

Suggestion regarding voting:

• Think
• Compare and contrast
• Reflect
• Maintain your sense of humor
• Pray for wisdom
  
• Pull the lever on the candidate of your choice
• Trust in the Good God

And remember: at the end of the day, whomever is elected was elected because God voted for him … or her. We just won’t know “why” for a while.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Where the Streets Have No Name, Super Bowl 2002

One of the greatest half-time shows--if not the greatest--in Super Bowl history. U2 paying tribute to victims of 9/11

Background of lyrics:

"I was trying to sketch a feeling. I often feel very claustrophobic in a city, a feeling of wanting to break out of that city and a feeling of wanting to go somewhere where the values of the city and the values of our society don’t hold you down."

"An interesting story that someone told me once is that in Belfast, by what street someone lives on you can tell not only their religion but tell how much money they’re making - literally by which side of the road they live on, because the further up the hill the more expensive the houses become."

"That said something to me, and so I started writing about a place 'where the streets have no name.'”

Bono, from Propaganda 5, 1987

Prospero's Speech, by Loreena McKennitt

Communication: Outcomes, Blow-ups, and Personal Responsibility

Getting ready for a training on effective communication. Thought I would pass along some of the notes I am jotting down.


Outcomes

1. What do you want the person to see, hear, feel, and do? How will you know when you have this? If you don’t know what your outcome is, how will you know if you have achieved it? The clearer you are about the outcome, the more effectively you can design your communication strategy.

2. What is more important to you: being correct in everything you assert, or attaining your outcome?

3. Are you open to other possibilities regarding the realization of your outcomes that have as yet to be considered, or is your way The Way, The Truth and The Life?

4. Do you want people to willingly agree with you, genuinely accepting your arguments, or, if this doesn't work, is it acceptable to browbeat them into submission, knowing they will hate you in the morning? (Buyer’s remorse.)


Heated Communication

One of the challenges to achieving our outcome is when the communication becomes heated.

How do we process an argument?

1. Are we treating the other person’s concerns, fears, opinions, and beliefs with respect?

2. Is each person clear in his own mind as to what he wants/needs from the other? Is the person with whom you are communicating clear about what you want/need? How do you know?

3. Are we communicating or merely throwing words at each other?

4. Is either of us shutting down and stopping the process? (One of the main ways we shut down the process is to act out our emotions rather than communicating them.)

5. What perceptions of self and the other is each of us walking away with? When the argument is over, what stories are we telling ourselves about the argument? Do the stories match? Did we tell each other about these perceptions and stories?

One of the least effective forms of communication is what we say when we are reacting, as this usually causes the other person to become defensive and to escalate the intensity of their communication. This is especially the case with polar-responders. (By the way, in general, a soft answer turns away wrath. However, with some people a gentle answer communicates that you are not passionate about your assertions and positions.)


Reactions v Responses

Reaction: An outburst without conscious forethought, as in “knee-jerk reaction.”

A reaction is shooting-from-the-lip, seeing blood on the floor, and then asking questions.

Reactions are defensive
Responses are proactive

Reactions erupt from emotional upsets
Responses flow from conscious deliberation of desired outcomes, principles, values and the larger issues of the moment

Reactions are about “me v. you/them/it.”
Responses are about “us” and the larger issues at hand

Reactions are stuck in the moment
Responses move us forward

Please Note: The assertions of the reactionary may be correct. In this case, an appropriate response is to disregard his emotional upset and acknowledge the accuracy of his assertion/argument.


Guiding Principles

You cannot NOT communicate

Everything about you, everything around you, is communicating. Your eyes, your skin tone, your mannerisms, your clothing, your breathing pattern, your posture, your level of energy, the ambiance of the surrounding setting, etc.: all of these are sending out information that either supports or detracts from your intended message. And remember, your words are actually a small percentage of what the other person is “hearing.”

This also applies to the person(s) you are communicating with. If all you do is listen to the actual words that are being spoken, you are missing out on most of what they are communicating.

The meaning of your communication
is the response you get

It doesn’t matter what you intended to say, it is what people hear you saying that matters. If you aren’t getting through to them, it is not him/her/them: it is you. Stay flexible, change your communication strategy, change the setting, change your tone, your posture … change anything and everything until they actually understand your intended communication. Or not. If being right and making your failure to achieve your outcome all about him/her/it is most important to you, by all means, remain inflexible!

As soon as I make it about him/her/them (his doctor needs to up his meds, she is scatter brained, they are hardheaded, etc.), the game is up, all communication is over, and my desired outcome is out of reach. Certainly, there is a point where the other person is accountable: it’s just that most of us usually come to this conclusion far too quickly.

Copyright, Monte E Wilson, 2008

Exploding Into Life

Reading my journal entries for 2004, I ran across this from February 27

I took a few days off and just worked out and read and smoked cigars. I am reading a bio on Katherine Hepburn. When I was a young man I loved her in Bringing Up Baby (with Carey Grant), Woman of the Year (with Spencer Tracy), The African Queen (with Bogie), The Lion in Winter (with Peter O’Toole). She was such a beautiful young woman and her stage personality was always unique to her—sui generis. What a fascinating life.

I have always been intrigued with her generation’s great actors. My mother once told me that she thought I was shaped far more by the movies of the 40’s and 50’s than I was by the events of my own generation. Men like John Wayne, Bob Mitchum, Cary Grant, Errol Flynn, Charlton Heston, Jimmy Stewart and Clark Gable… women like Katherine Hepburn, Audrey Hepburn, Maureen O’Hara: They were all so larger-than-life. It wasn’t merely that they were on large screens, but also how they threw themselves both into their art and into living.

Living with abandonment, they took such big chunks out of life. Many had the same fears, insecurities and personal demons that plague others who then choose to run from life, to never “take the stage.” These people took those weaknesses and were motivated in other directions. They may have felt powerless at times but they refused to allow such feelings to define them. (Generalizations, for sure: just go read about Spencer Tracy who could never get out from under his guilt and fear -- and did allow these emotions to define him.)

The tragedies that cripple so many people—all of the suicides in Hepburn’s family, for example—drove these people to create and recreate themselves, on stage and in life. The risks these people took to create a character, the vulnerability that is required — yowzer, do I admire that.

The gusto of a Hepburn, a Wayne, a Huston and a Gable: How many of us explode into life as these people did? How many of us allow our anxieties and despair to cripple us, rather than spur us on?

Dear God: Whatever mistakes in judgment I make, may they be from weakness or temperament, never from shallowness of soul.

Copyright, 2008, Monte E Wilson